I can’t believe how long it has been since my mother passed away, yet it still stings like it happened yesterday. I think about the choices she made in life, how she let the weight start and in the end it killed her. At #430+ I won’t lie, I often thought of suicide because it seemed like a better option than to be bed ridden till I died like my mother had been. I once swore that if I got above 400 I would in fact kill myself, but as you can tell VIA the fact I am writing this, I didn’t follow through. I also want to let people who may be feeling like I was to not give up hope! I am not going to sugar coat it, loosing weight is not for the weak. It is tough, hard, and at times almost unbearable, that said it is the most amazing thing you can do for yourself. I tied my shoe today, I drove a car without my belly pushing into it making it hard to steer, my seat belt fit without my having to tuck it under my belly, I can walk up the 3 steps to my house and not be out of breath. Each of those little things has added up to be a major victory, I celebrate each one of those every day tasks.
Today, despite my deep depression, I went and visited with a friend. It was a great visit, and when I got back home I went to work in the yard for a bit. Afterwords, I decided to take advantage of this great weather and take Katrina to pick up Lil` 3B from the 2-3k. The ride there was easy, it had a big hill which I made it up, even if I was going really slow. The way back was another story altogether.
First I will back track, this morning I didn’t even finish my coffee and barely had time to eat part of my breakfast(I got half a banana and a yogurt down). For a light snack I had the most wonderful avocado, it left me in heaven! Now, biking does have one thing in common with cars in that you need to fuel the engine. I did not fuel mine properly today so on the return trip, about half way up a hill I felt my energy drain all the way down to my toes! I barely made it up that hill, and home again, in fact I still feel drained. It also didn’t help that I had a 25# toddler in the trailer behind me, gravity is such a B!t6h sometimes. It was a great adventure though, and my son loved it so I suspect those hills and I will be getting very friendly over the next year.
Extra Note: If you are someone you know is thinking about suicide, please contact the national Suicide Prevention group http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ they won’t judge and will help you through those dark times.