So I am fighting a cold, bleh, I hate getting colds but with a kid in daycare it is inevitable. Had a tough week, just didn’t have much motivation to go work out, or make healthy choices. It was one of those times when I just felt like going back to the old me. Like the fight was not worth it, the goals to far away.
That being said I had a very slight gain, .6, which honestly I just count as a maintain. Other than the a fore mentioned cold, I am feeling better. I did something the otherday, which I have been putting off for a very long time. I removed my safety net! I got rid of pretty much all of my clothes 4xl and above. I gave them away to another guy who needed them. I must say it was bittersweet, knowing that I no longer needed them but someone else did.
The reason I have been keeping them is simple, it was a safety net. It meant that IF I failed at this I would still have clothes. It was almost like telling myself it was ok to fail. Now in a sense it is do or die(literally on that part I suppose). While it was scary to do, after the were gone it felt amazing. It was like someone lifted a burden off of my shoulders. I am free of the man I was, and free to move on with my life. I swear in front of you all on this very day, 10/31/13 at 11am, I will NEVER have to wear those sizes again.
Want to know a secret? I was never suppose to be the man I was, and I never was suppose to be where I was. I am enjoying this gift, the gift of being able to be alive, not dead in the ground. Alive here and now! To be able to play and guide my children as they grow up is an amazing thing indeed. To be the father and husband I was always suppose to be, and wanted to be.
I went through a very depressed state this past week, I questioned myself, my resolve, even why I am here. I questioned if it was worth the trouble, if it would even matter if I was gone. I started to write down how I felt, and the things I would miss if I wasn’t here tomorrow. I would miss so much, the day to day life of my family. I would miss watching my children grow up to strong and great men. I would miss so much of life it made me cry. I also realized that if I gave up on my journey, if I throw in the towel and ate till I burst, I would miss it all. The reality is sickening, it send shivers down my spine when I think about it. I was committing suicide by food, ending my life one bite at a time. When you realize that you can begin to realize that you have the power to change that. No one on this earth can change you, NO ONE. Change can only happen when we are sick of living the life we live, AND we want to fix it.
In closing, I want to reach out to anyone who reads this, remember to love yourself for who you are, but strive to change that which needs changing. Human beings are remarkable creatures, we can think and act, we can move mountains if we want to. We just have to try, and try again.
Happy Halloween and keep on rolling,
Big Boned Biker
Exactly one year ago today, I hit my 5% lost with 25.4 pounds! If you want it YOU will find a way. This is a journey that many can join you on, but you will always be taking it alone. It is up to you to keep moving. Just like Frodo, the journey is long and wrought with obstacles, but in the end what choice do we have? If we do nothing, than nothing changes, we grow stagnant.
OK, take notes as there will be a quiz at the end of the class folks. When you give up on yourself, who do you hurt? What if I told you that your not just hurting yourself, but also those around who love you. When they see you struggling and watch as you give up, they know they can do nothing to help. When my wife was giving birth to our first son, I remember seeing her in labor. I almost cried, seeing her in pain, and knowing that there was nothing I could do to help her. My family has felt the same way about me, with my weight. They saw me growing larger, less mobile, and it pained them. They wanted to take this journey for me, but they couldn’t.
As I have shared before, this is a journey we all have to take alone. Yet, we are not alone on our journey. WAIT A SECOND, this is a journey we have to take alone, yet we are not alone? We have those around us who can help us on our way, but we have to find the way to keep moving. When I had lost that 5% it felt great, but I was scared still. I was scared that I would stumble, scared that I might fall down and not get up. I knew that in the end though, no matter what, I was 5% lighter now. If I stumbled and fell to the ground, it didn’t matter, I had to get up, dust myself off, and keep moving.
“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” – Martin Luther King Jr.
Keep on rolling,
So I have a quick update, Sunday was an interesting day for me. We had a birthday party for my BIL and his mom. The menu for the day was one of my old bane lasagna! It would be a lie if I told you I was fearless in the face of such a nemesis. I knew what had to be done, I knew how to stop the beast. I just prayed my strength would not waver against such a foe as this.
As soon as I received the news, I started to plan my battle strategies. I knew from past battles that this foe likes to assault on multiple fronts, hitting fast and hitting hard. It was time to bolster my defenses, my fist act was to check my anchors(about anchors ), I told Mrs. BBB about my apprehension on the matter. I told her how my first instinct was to retreat, but in her wisdom she steered me away from that idea. If you flee now, it will only come after you stronger next time! So on Thursday I began by researching my enemy, I found the caloric information and figured out the points. However, my foe was wise and had managed to hide the serving size information! I did not let that stop me, and simply tracked for 2 servings(14 points).
Second line of defense, I planned out a way to stop it from hitting me on a secondary front, hunger. I knew that if I started with both servings at once it would lure me in to its grasp. I did not know if there would be a salad, but my plan did depend on it. If the salad did not arrive, I would send out an escort to bring it! By bulking up on salad, it would leave less room for forces of evil food to get in, like building a moat that forces them across a congested draw bridge where my third defense was waiting for them!
Third line of defense was a powerful one, like artillery firing from behind the lines. This weapon has the power to stop the lasagna’s power before it even arrived! Water, pure, plain, simple water. I knew I had to get in a min. of three glasses with my meal, because it would help on multiple fronts. It would help stop the hunger, it would help with filling in the gap left by the salad, and it would flush out the sodium spies!
My fourth line of defense is similar to the first, I added a second anchor to my defenses. I made myself accountable to some more people, I expressed how I felt and my worries. I knew that they would be a great ally in the upcoming battle and I was proven correct. However there was one aspect that I could not ignore about lasagna, and one that is hard to combat.
Taste and smell, like two giants trolls that come crashing towards the gate. How do you defend against them? Unlike hunger, salad or water would not stop them. It would test every line of defense and hit hard. Even my anchors were strained with the wave of aggressiveness that was brought up. Smell always hits first, swift and strong, with no mercy. It has the power to trigger memories, feelings, and it sets the pace for taste to follow. When taste hits, it hits hard, harder than any other aspect. It knows how to hit those vulnerable spots, it sees the weakness in the lines. How do you combat an enemy like this?
The final line of defense, and the only hope you have against taste and smell, is a weapon like no other. It comes down to a intransigent will, you have to fight and not give in. You have to push back, you have to decide that this line and no further. You and only you can stop this assault. When you eat what you planned, you need to stop throw in the napkin and quit. It stops taste and smell in its tracks, because you are a wall of will, you will not waver. You WILL be victorious if you want to be! I am not saying this isn’t hard, it has to be the hardest thing I have ever done.
Food is an addiction, and unlike alcohol or drugs you HAVE to eat. You have to continue your exposure to your drug, and it will be a battle every day, every meal. How do we win? We win by slowly retraining our brains, reprogramming the way we think about food. Will you win every battle? Nope, in fact at first your likely to lose more than you win at first. Remember though, you didn’t get overweight in one meal or one meal. Every time you win you make your next win that much easier, you make your walls stronger! YOU ARE MORE POWERFUL THAN YOUR FOOD! I want you to look at your meal next time you’re struggling to stop, and laugh at it. Why laugh? Because, you know that it is losing the battle not you. You are in charge! No one can make you skinny, only you can, and I fully believe every one of us has the power to change. Remember, one meal at a time….
Grant me the wisdom to see my food for what it is,
Grant me the patience to look past my struggles,
Grant me the strength to beat my foe,
Grant me the love to know my weight does not define who I am.
In case you’re wondering how I did, I have to report that, it doesn’t really matter does it? If I did well, great, if I didn’t I learned a lesson. As always….
Keep rolling on,
Came across my freedom list from last year…making some progress(and added some new things too).
Tie my shoes with them on
Go to a theme park and ride all the rides
run a 5k
3 day bike ride
Backpack in the sawtooth mountains again
Buy clothes at regular stores
Run up the “M” all the way to the top without stopping
Horse back riding again
Down hill Ski
Play with Aaron without getting out of breath
Be in a Play
Bike 20 miles
Run 3 miles without stopping
Ride a Brevet(200k)
So I have not been out riding as much as I would have liked so far this month. Have in just under 50 miles, and with a goal of 200 I need to get my butt in gear. Last week I was .4 away from having lost #150, but I ended up gaining 1.4! For a few days it really sent me in to a bit of depression/self-loathing. I tend to be to hard on myself when I “fail”, but that needs to stop.
I decided instead of being depressed I would turn that frown upside down! I focused hard this week on my eating and water intakes. I did not get the amount of riding done as I planned, but still got some in! Tonight I weigh in, and I am not sure what the results will be. I do know that no matter what I can hold my head up high, because that little black box doesn’t mean a damn thing! You know what does? Living my life, happy, and healthy! I am more fit than I have been in years, I can play with my son, I can ride 7 hours on my bike, I can do anything I set my mind to do. I am NOT a number on a scale, I am a father, husband, and not a quitter.
Up from the ashes grow the roses of success…huzzah!
Keep on rolling!