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Self-Sabotage

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“Who is it? Who did this? When I find you I am going to…wait, it was YOU!” said the man at the computer desk. His face turning from a rage to a place of sullen disparity, at the sudden realization that he was the saboteur.

I looked at the scale this morning, and was not happy with what I saw. My first thought is, the scale is wrong and must be lying. The second one is, that it must be just salt, and the scale must be lying. The third thought, I know that I did this to myself. I sabotaged myself.

I am .6 away from having lost a milestone amount, and sometimes that scares me. I know that seems silly, but it does. The more I loose the more the higher the “Jenga” tower gets, it starts to feel like one small move will topple over the entire thing. When this happens instead of kicking into “fight” mode, my mind goes straight to “flight”. How do you fly away from a weight loss? Easy, you gain weight! It is never a lot, but when it happens it is often 1-2 pounds. I decided I am going to tackle it today, and figure out a game plan, or perhaps a security plan.

“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.” ~ Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

“I, Big Boned Biker, being of sound mind and flabby body, do hereby declare, that I will no longer be a slave to my body, and will no longer self-sabotage.” Done! Whew, I feel much better knowing that it will never happen again. Le sigh, I wish it was that easy.

Step one..just kidding, this wont be a “step” program today. I know the issue, I get nervous about succeeding and decide that I will run away from it, that much we have already talked about. First thing I need to do is figure out what it is about success that scares me.

Man that is a tough one, what is it that scares me about it? My first thought is it is the fear of letting people down, but that doesn’t seem to really cover it. Maybe it is the fear of no more challenges, but are there not always more challenges? So what is it?? I think it is a very complex and in depth thing, that likely I will never fully understand. If I can’t understand it can I conquer it? Challenge accepted!

Well, I know when dealing with these kind of issues that an anchor system (Anchors) can be very helpful. I need to be WILLING to use it, and that can be tough. No one likes to admit they are struggling, but if we don’t we can’t get any help. The man who never needs any help, is a man who is really good at lying, and I am a horrible liar. This post is the first use of that anchor system: I need help! I need to stop self-sabotaging, and I WILL stop it.

My game plan? Take it meal by meal! When I am done writing this, I will go and fill my water bottle, track my day out, and figure out some exercise to do. YAY I am cured! Woot! WOOT! * Happy Dance *..

Hmm, still not cured. Dang, why not? I guess there is more to it besides an anchor system. What though? I think the next part I need to work on, and something that is really hard for many people, is loving myself. I don’t always feel as if I am worthy of my weight loss, or that I even deserve to have lost the weight. How can I love a man who did this to himself? I am a worthless person, and worthless people don’t get to have success stories. I look in the mirror, the man staring back at me though isn’t me, it is a successful person. I hate trick mirrors like that, it must be broken. What is so bad about me that I am worthless? I am a good father, a devoted husband, an honest man, and a lover of humanity. Seems a pretty scum sort of person to me, right? I need to acknowledge those things, and remind myself of those facts. Is that vanity? I think it is a celebration of G/D’s good hand, and reminding myself that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. In fact, I will be right back(because you know, you can tell that I stepped away from writing this and all lol). Back, did you miss me? I just went and reminded myself of those very things, I also gave myself permission to be my own friend. I think I would enjoy hanging out with me, which is good because I tend to always be hanging around myself.

Sometimes, I think my self-sabotage(from now on referred to by SS), comes from a sense of perfectionism. If I can’t do it “right” I can’t do it at all. I am sure it stems from my OCD, but I like things to be “just right”. If I am not loosing at the rate I should be, maybe I shouldn’t be loosing at all. Mistakes are things that loser’s do, and loser’s are not winners! That is pretty rational thinking right? It seems like it sometimes, till you put it down in words, now it seems pretty silly.

Can I give myself permission to make mistakes? No, I can’t, well maybe, I guess, perhaps, yes I can. I already know that mistakes are simply lessons wrapped with reality. They are there to teach us what to do next time. Just because I make a mistake(such as over indulging), doesn’t mean the race is over. When I do those things, I simply “reset” my day as soon as the next bite. Example: Was over at my moms last night, and she makes these great “balls”, with peanut butter, rice crispy s, honey and chocolate. They are like manna from heaven. I ate two..ok all done, later I had another, ok all done. After dinner, my sweet tooth hit and I grabbed two more. I didn’t have the points for those two, but I wanted them anyway. I eat the first one, man was it good. I look at the second, I know I shouldn’t eat it, but I want to(part of it knowing that I am SS’ing). I go to eat it, but at the last moment I decide that it ISN’T worth it. I go and put it back. I restarted, I had picked myself off the floor and got back on the race track. It “tasted’ better than if I had actually eaten it.

Thinking about this more, I wonder if sometimes I SS out of a want for control. Weight loss can often leave your feeling like your out of control. You don’t KNOW how much weight your loosing, or if you even are. For someone like me, I don’t often like the feeling of “being out of the loop”. When I SS, I take back that control, it lets me decide what is going to happen! This can be a tough one to overcome, I mean after all, it is sort of hardwired in all of use to want that sort of control. I try not to bring religion to much in to this blog, but sometimes prayer is the answer. The simple act of praying is giving up control. We “ask” our “Deity” for requests, but we only have faith that it will be answered. It is the same principle of allowing yourself to succeed. You have to give up the control of knowing what will happen(by setting your self up to fail), and have faith for the right outcome. Perhaps, I simply need to pray more, not for help loosing weight, but for help giving up my control in life. I am reminded of a favorite Christian hymn, “He Leadeth Me!”.

For those that practice a different faith, or don’t practice any, I hope you can see the principle of what I am sharing.

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In conclusion, I need to learn: To allow myself to be helped, to forgive myself of my mistakes, to love myself for who I am, and to have faith that success can/will happen.

Keep on Rolling,
Big Boned Biker

Rambling 1

So sick of this snow, dear snow, please go! I do not like it when you blow, I do not like you, go snow go!

I am so sick of winter and I want it to be spring! Sadly I don’t think it is up to me, but I still want to voice my thought on the matter! I can’t wait to get outside again, I miss it. Funny thing about me, even though I was very fat and rather lethargic, I have ALWAYS loved being outside. Something about the breeze, the sounds, the smells, nothing compares to it.

I know, I could go outside now, but frankly, it is to cold for me. I really notice my weightloss during the winter because I am freezing all the time. When I was still 430+ pounds I would sleep with the window open for much of the winter, now I get cold just looking at the door.

Another downside to loosing weight is, none of your clothes fit anymore. A long while back I got rid of all of my small stuff below 3xl, because I knew I would never be able to wear them again. :\ Who knew? I buy a few things here and there but I don’t want to really spend much money on clothes that I keep out growing. Speaking of which I have a huge nsv to share from a week or so ago…I bought clothes at Old Navy! I have never been able to shop at that store before, it was fun being able to try on clothes and realize I didn’t need the biggest sizes. I ended up with a new workout shirt and a fun batman shirt. I always wanted more “fun” shirts, but fat man clothing is rather boring, as my wife will attest to. Sure you have your Hawaiian shirts, or sometimes a out of style graphic shirt, but real cool/fun ones are hard to find. 90% of my wardrobe was consisting of polo shirts. The other 10% was plain colored t-shirts. Fun eh?

It is fun being a smaller size though, kind of feels like a badge of pride when I don my new shirts. Coming from needing 6xl to buying 1xl(though I am in between 2xl and 1xl), it is mind blowing. In March I will take my new photo with Katrina, in that old green shirt that I had. I am actually very excited to put the pictures side by side and see the difference. Is that prideful? Likely. Do I care? Nope! I earned it, and am proud of it. I’m sexy and I know it!

I promise not to do the wiggle dance…1

So to wrap it up let me tell you about the amazing dinner I had tonight, Lasagna rolls! Here is the recipe, . These things are amazing, and I paired it off with a light Caesar salad. Yum! One nice thing about this meal is that the left overs keep well for the next day! I love to try new meals, keeps things “fresh” and helps me stay on track. 🙂

Alright, I will call it a night, sorry if my post seemed a bit “everywhere” tonight, but helps clear my mind sometimes.

Keep On Rolling,

BBB

Fuzzy wuzzy

So today has been an interesting one, I have been left in charge of both boys for 2 days! Needless to say, I am very busy(was lucky to even get the time to start writing this up) but I wanted to share a small update.

As of this evening, with a loss of 5.4#, I am now below 260! I finally get to shave, and to celebrate I am going to book a “hot shave” with the local barber shop! I have always wanted to have one done and I think it is the perfect way to celebrate.

So I have not been getting to the gym as much as I had hoped/want and the last two times I have gone have been after a long night with Lil BBB2. Despite my best efforts I hit a wall at about 30 min in, and just have to stop. It pains me, in more ways than physical. It makes me feel like a quitter, I can’t be the guy who stops because he is tired! However, I am that guy. I find my self drained and begin the walk of shame back to my locker. I hate that walk, where you go and put back on your clothes, feeling like the whole gym knows your a quitter. Am I a quitter?

Yes, I am, but that’s ok. I have been pushing myself to hard working out lately and find myself sore for days afterwords. Even though it is disheartening to not do the 60 min workout like I planned, I know that I will not be limping around the house the next day. That alone gives me a chance to do more things, such as play hide and seek with my son! Though, he needs to work on his hiding skills because he tends to run back at me laughing when I quit counting.

So when is it not ok to be a quitter? That is a tough one, I think for me it is when I am quitting emotionally way before my body is giving out. If I go “balls to the wall” and don’t make it up the hill, that’s fine. If I only give it a half effort, and stop at the first feeling of pain, to me that is when it isn’t ok. I know when I quit for the wrong reasons, because it eats away at me. When I quit at the gym the other day, I felt depressed and angry, but that soon passed when I realized my body just needed rest. Last week, I had an extra piece of pizza(I tracked for 3 but ate 4), that made me feel like I failed. Something I have learned though, “you never fail, you only learn”.

So what does all that mean? We only quit till we try again! I often times hear people tell me how they “fell off the wagon”, and that they will start again tomorrow. I always remind them that they can start again RIGHT NOW. The three steps to come back from “quitting”:
1. Acknowledge
2. Learn from it
3. Move on

When we see the issue it means we are able to deal with it. Many people who quit, deny that there ever was an issue. I use to tell myself “I’m not fat, because that person is fatter”, yet it turns out I am fat. So when you eat that extra slice of cake, or cut your workout short, recognize the incident and got to step 2.

Learn from it, learn from it, learn from it. Analyze what happened, pick it apart if need be. For me at the gym, I learned that I really can’t expect myself to put in 110% when I am only running on 50% energy levels. When I have that extra slice of pizza, I need to learn WHY I ate that pizza(in the case in mind, it was really yummy and I was really hungry). This is also the time to make up a game plan for the future. What can you do to help you not “quit”? Maybe set different goals at the gym such as a 40 min workout instead of an hour. Plan to bring a healthy snack when you know you will be eating late. Hit that hill till you make it to the top in one go. Step three is next, and it is the most important!

Move on! Don’t dwell on it, you messed up, ok, you did the first two steps and now your done. When you move on, you give yourself permission to forgive yourself. You can’t stay mad about what happened, it will only make things worse. Pick up your hat, dust off your jeans and get back on that horse!

Ok, so this is two posts of mine in a row that have gone in to “steps”, so I promise to not post any more for awhile lol. Thanks for barring with me, even if I have been rambling on a bit here.

Keep on Rolling,

Big Boned Biker

Guest Blogger: JDaddy

Hello, I want to share another guest blogger with you guys today! JDaddy and sometimes disagree on “weight loss” styles but I love being able to show that there is more than one method of loosing weight! He has done a tremendous job and I am proud to share some of his story!

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Is this really my first official blog post? Thank you Big Boned Biker for inviting me to guest post on your blog! BBB has asked me to share a little bit about my eating lifestyle and weight loss journey.
A little bit about myself, I’m a 30 something stay at home dad of 3 amazing boys who has struggled with my weight all of my pre-teen, teenaged and adult life. I have bounced anywhere between 340 pounds(as recently as February of 2012) all the way down to 205 in my early 20’s. I followed many programs for different lengths of time with varying results. I began to seriously pursue better health back in November on my son’s 2nd birthday. I woke up feeling horrible, and after years of chronic GI pain, and a general feeling of death I decided enough was enough.
There’s something I need to admit to you up front…
I’m going to come right out and say it…
I’m a low carb fanatic.
I eat, sleep, and breathe the low carb lifestyle. I even set news alerts on Google to email me every day at noon with the latest news about the low carb circuit. I’m not content enough to just read, and practice you see, I’m an evangelist. I love, as any good evangelist would, sharing my new found knowledge with anyone, sometimes solicited, other times not. I love helping people achieve their goals by giving them moral support, encouragement, and resources that have helped me greatly.
So let’s get on to it.
What do I eat and how much of it?
I don’t maintain a calorie goal really, although sometimes I use MyfitnessPal to check my macronutrient breakdown(carbs,fats,protein) and calorie counts. I aim for a diet that is very high in fats, saturated fats namely, very low carb, and moderate amounts of protein. My ideal macronutrient breakdown is roughly 75% fat, 20% protein, 5% carbs. During the day I eat when I’m hungry until I’m satisfied. Sometimes I go all in with a 15 piece order of Louisana Rub wings from WingStop, just don’t eat the fries or rolls and you’ll be ok, I promise!
A typical day for me looks like this:
Wake up, drink black coffee.
Breakfast: 2 fried eggs in bacon grease and 1 sausage patty or roughly 5 strips of bacon.
Snack: Coffee with 1-2oz of heavy whipping cream and stevia
Lunch: Tuna with mayo, or a chef salad. Lunch is my most pathetic meal of the day because honestly I’m not very hungry. Sometimes, because of the struggle of raising 2 boys, a toddler and an infant, I drink an Atkins shake and have some peanut butter. Sometimes I may eat a handful of nuts.
Dinner: Usually chicken, steak, or fish with a green vegetable.
After snack treat: I really try to avoid these at all costs and have recently preferred going to bed because I noticed it is stalling my weight loss. But if I am really hungry, I will eat roughly 2 ounces of cream cheese sweetened with splenda, or 4-5 oz of strawberries with heavy cream and splenda.
So that is my blueprint for success in my weight loss journey. Your mileage may vary. Personally I have seen incredible improvements in my health. I have lost 36 pounds in three months. My crippling gastritis is gone. I have gained the ability to sleep throughout the night instead of getting up 3 and 4 times to use the bathroom. My blood pressure which was hypertensive is now normal. My blood sugar which was pre-diabetic is now normal. My total cholesterol is under 200, and triglycerides are normal. I’m not mindlessly hungry anymore. I actually have energy! I’m 261.4 pounds as of this morning and have roughly 90 to go to hit my goal weight of 170. After the success I’ve seen and the knowledge I’ve gained, I feel empowered to go all the way. Thanks goes out to my wife for being so supportive and joining me on this eating lifestyle. Thank you for the opportunity BBB to guest post on your blog. I am looking forward to comments! Who knows, I might be on the next low carb google alert!

jd
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Please give JD a big round of applause by commenting on this post!

Guest Blogger: Mike Andrews Jr.

The below is a post from a friend of mine and fellow blogger, Mike Andrews Jr. I hope you enjoy it and don’t forget to check out his blog. http://raisingfourkids.blogspot.com
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I have always been a big movie lover and crying during very sad parts is nothing strange to me. I cried during Titanic every time I watched it…Even in 2005 when it was released on DVD. I cried when during the final scenes in Revenge of the Sith, starting from when Obi-Wan leaves Anakin to die all the way to the end credits. When I became a father I knew my emotions would be different but I never expected how much they would.

It started when I watched “Horton Hears a Who” when my youngest boy was 1 year old. It was a fun movie and never would I have expected the emotion that would be a part of the movie. As an underlying plot to the movie his a tale of a father and his son. The mayor of Who-ville has 96 daughters and 1 son, Jojo, who is afraid of disappointment his father. On the opposite end the mayor feels he can’t connect to his son because his son won’t even talk. At the end of the movie, Horton makes a speech that ends with, “A persons a person no matter how small.” After this, I am already sort of tearing up. In Who-Ville, while the Horton is protecting the speck from crazed animals that don’t believe him, the mayor gets all the citizens to chant, “We are here!” and make the animals aware they exist. All the citizens except Jojo, who runs off to his secret hide out. The mayor sees this and goes after Jojo and discovers his son has created an amazing place filled with musical instruments, that he is setting off to help make more noise. The two connect and then Jojo runs down to town, climbs the highest tower and sends out a single “YELP!”, that breaks through the clouds and allows all the animals to hear the town. At the point where he “yelps” I have completely broken down into tears. Not because it was sad but because I just experienced the love of a father and his son.

I used to think of this as an example of how I will cry at anything but it was years later when I saw Tangled with my daughter that I realized it had to do with the connection I have to my own children. At the end of Tangled, when the princess is reunited with her parents I was a mess of tears. My daughter wasn’t shedding a single tear yet I couldn’t stop myself. It was quite a thing to see in the movie theater, a 300 pound man with a 9 year old daughter, sitting in stadium seats, in tears because he just saw a happy ending. But the ending was very happy. A father and mother, who had accepted their daughter as being missing, seeing someone that, not only has different hair color but is now a teenager. Parents being reconnected with their child, as a father that was an emotion I connected with.

I used to think it was further sign that I wasn’t a manly guy. That this proves I am not worthy of my friends that own trucks and don’t want kids. Not until I saw tangled did I realize this meant I more manly then them. Being a man isn’t about proving you can lift a lawnmower over your head but proving you can love something and cry about it. Having the passion to take care of your family, whether by working hard to provide or staying home to raise them and being fine when you cry is what truly makes you a man.

Mike Andrews Jr. is a stay at-home dad to 4 kids and a featured blogger for the National At-Home Dad Network at http://www.athomedad.org. He also blogs about health and parenting over at his personal blog at http://raisingfourkids.blogspot.com

New Years Revolution

Hey Howdy Hey!

I want to talk about a specific subject today, which I think is important this time of year. Lets talk about working out and New Years resolutions. Wait BBB, New Years was last month! Yes I know but I also know so many people decide on that special day every year that “this is the year I will loose weight and be healthy!”. Great! That IS the first step, but what is the second one?

Step One: See above…ok I will repeat it. Admit you have a problem, and decide to seek some sort of help. That help could be in the form of my favorite program, Weight Watchers(TM). It could be in the form of a host of other diets. More often than not though, it is joining a gym or buying a work out.

Step Two: Ok so you signed up for a diet program, will assume the awesome Weight Watchers(I should really get them to sponsor me with as much as I recommend them), next you joined the gym. Alright lets charge head first into this one! You make out a “workout” plan which may be similar to this:

Monday: workout 2 hours of cardio
Tuesday: workout 2 hours of cardio
Wednesday: workout 2 hours weight lifting
Thursday: Workout 2 hours of cardio
Friday: workout 2 ours of weigh lifting
Saturday:Rest(you don’t want to over do it)
Sunday: 4 hours of cardio

Sounds good! You will drop those pounds in no time! Next you evaluate your eating, hmm lets do a 1k calorie diet of nothing but carrots!

Step Three: This one is the tough one, re-evaluating your goals, and making the changes that need to be made. What that means is, working out everyday for 2 hours sounds good, but in reality it ain’t going to happen. After your first week your exhausted, you hurt in places that you didn’t know you could. Your hungry from not eating, you maybe even come close to fainting(first hand experience here). So you decide well maybe I will just work out 3 times a week instead, and I will start eating more food. Great, so on to step 4.

Step Four: Don’t give up! If you have made it this far(typically around middle of February to beginning of March) your likely to do well for the year. Sadly what has typically happened at this point is you quit working out, who has time for it anyways? When you do work out, your rewarding yourself with food. Your back to your old eating habits because you didn’t like the restrictiveness or the work involved with eating healthy. If you don’t make it past this step you go back to step 1 next year and start again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Resolutions 1

Step Five: If you made it through step four, your doing great! Step 5 is internalizing those changes, which you can do by simply doing them. They say it takes 21 days to learn a habit, but I cry bullsnickle on that one. It take months/years to really internalize a new habit. At this point, your sticking to a workout routine that works for you, your eating healthy, and your loving life. Keep up the good work!

So how do you get from step 4 to step 5? What makes one person quit and the other continue? The easy answer is the Step 5 person has more willpower, but I think that answer is a cop out. What I think, personally, is that the step 5 person got sick of being the step 4. When your pain is greater than your pleasure you find a way to change it. The old adage are you sick and tired, of being sick and tired?

So you find your self at step 4, your about to give up, what CAN you do? Most of the time people find themselves giving up because they are setting unreasonable expectations. Such as expecting to work out 6 days a week, or only eat carrots. There is nothing reasonable about that, and you will burn out quicker than a match. When your setting up fitness goals, ask yourself this question, can I do this the rest of my life? If you can’t honestly say yes, than you’re over doing it. When you first start out, you may only be able to workout one day a week, and that is OK! I know most will disagree with me on this point, and I make no claim to be a medical/weight loss expert. However, one day a week is better than zero. You will find that as you are loosing weight you will want to work out more. Also, remember to mix it up sometimes, in the winter the gym can get boring. Instead of doing the treadmill/elliptical every time try a spinning bike or weight lifting. When summer comes around, don’t be afraid to get outside and “play”. You may find a new sport/hobby that you love, such as my wife who loves running!

How do you loose weight if you are working out one day a week? Your not burning enough calories, right? The answer is at the beginning of this post, exercise and DIET. Though I must admit, I hate the work diet as I am a firm believer that you should never do anything that makes you die. They should call it a livet! You will never be able to work off a bad eating lifestyle. NEVER! NEVER EVER EVER! You can work off the occasional over-indulgence, but try working off a burger and fries everyday. I love love love love love weight watchers. I will sound like a broken record here I am sure but, it lets you eat ANYTHING you want to eat. It will not though let you eat as MUCH as you want.

Now many people tell me that they don’t like tracking on weight watchers. It is to me, one of the key factors of the program(at least at first), as it is teaching you about portion control. You have to make it a priority if you want to succeed. Now the tracking really applies mainly to weight watchers, but the principle is the same. When we take personal responsibility for our lifestyle, we can focus and make it a priority.

Excuses are the #1 reasons that people don’t make changes. It is so much easier to make an excuse than it is to go to the gym. I can’t go I am to busy, I can’t go my son wants a snack(he does so I will come back to this), the weather out side is frightful, I worked all day, I am hungry, today is a day that ends in y, I will do it tomorrow, and a host of other ones. When you make excuses remember, the only one your hurting is you. These excuses don’t apply to just going to the gym, but in making non-regrettable eating choices. An alcoholic knows when he is going to take a drink, just like many people know when they will make excuses. YOU know it is an excuse, you may try and kid yourself but in the end you already know what you want to do. That is the time to make changes, that is the time to put your foot down and do what you know is the better choice.

One more thing I want to talk about, rewards. The one reward that you should never have is food. You just went to the gym, you were an animal and burned 1500 calories! Great! Now you go to McDonalds and have a 2k calorie burger. Seems silly right? It also sets food as a wrong priority in your life, instead find other ways to reward yourself. For some it can be a new outfit, a new bike, maybe even a book? What ever works for you! If your tight on money, make it a different reward such as, going on a hike that seemed to tough before, giving yourself a sticker(this one really does work, I love getting my 5 pound star stickers!), or simply enjoying the view in the mirror.

Lets make it a New Years REVOLUTION and get your life back on track! If you find yourself in need of help, ask for it. Don’t forget to remember that you ARE worth it, and the only time you truly fail is when you truly give up!

Keep on rolling,

Big Boned Biker