“Who is it? Who did this? When I find you I am going to…wait, it was YOU!” said the man at the computer desk. His face turning from a rage to a place of sullen disparity, at the sudden realization that he was the saboteur.
I looked at the scale this morning, and was not happy with what I saw. My first thought is, the scale is wrong and must be lying. The second one is, that it must be just salt, and the scale must be lying. The third thought, I know that I did this to myself. I sabotaged myself.
I am .6 away from having lost a milestone amount, and sometimes that scares me. I know that seems silly, but it does. The more I loose the more the higher the “Jenga” tower gets, it starts to feel like one small move will topple over the entire thing. When this happens instead of kicking into “fight” mode, my mind goes straight to “flight”. How do you fly away from a weight loss? Easy, you gain weight! It is never a lot, but when it happens it is often 1-2 pounds. I decided I am going to tackle it today, and figure out a game plan, or perhaps a security plan.
“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.” ~ Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby
“I, Big Boned Biker, being of sound mind and flabby body, do hereby declare, that I will no longer be a slave to my body, and will no longer self-sabotage.” Done! Whew, I feel much better knowing that it will never happen again. Le sigh, I wish it was that easy.
Step one..just kidding, this wont be a “step” program today. I know the issue, I get nervous about succeeding and decide that I will run away from it, that much we have already talked about. First thing I need to do is figure out what it is about success that scares me.
Man that is a tough one, what is it that scares me about it? My first thought is it is the fear of letting people down, but that doesn’t seem to really cover it. Maybe it is the fear of no more challenges, but are there not always more challenges? So what is it?? I think it is a very complex and in depth thing, that likely I will never fully understand. If I can’t understand it can I conquer it? Challenge accepted!
Well, I know when dealing with these kind of issues that an anchor system (Anchors) can be very helpful. I need to be WILLING to use it, and that can be tough. No one likes to admit they are struggling, but if we don’t we can’t get any help. The man who never needs any help, is a man who is really good at lying, and I am a horrible liar. This post is the first use of that anchor system: I need help! I need to stop self-sabotaging, and I WILL stop it.
My game plan? Take it meal by meal! When I am done writing this, I will go and fill my water bottle, track my day out, and figure out some exercise to do. YAY I am cured! Woot! WOOT! * Happy Dance *..
Hmm, still not cured. Dang, why not? I guess there is more to it besides an anchor system. What though? I think the next part I need to work on, and something that is really hard for many people, is loving myself. I don’t always feel as if I am worthy of my weight loss, or that I even deserve to have lost the weight. How can I love a man who did this to himself? I am a worthless person, and worthless people don’t get to have success stories. I look in the mirror, the man staring back at me though isn’t me, it is a successful person. I hate trick mirrors like that, it must be broken. What is so bad about me that I am worthless? I am a good father, a devoted husband, an honest man, and a lover of humanity. Seems a pretty scum sort of person to me, right? I need to acknowledge those things, and remind myself of those facts. Is that vanity? I think it is a celebration of G/D’s good hand, and reminding myself that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. In fact, I will be right back(because you know, you can tell that I stepped away from writing this and all lol). Back, did you miss me? I just went and reminded myself of those very things, I also gave myself permission to be my own friend. I think I would enjoy hanging out with me, which is good because I tend to always be hanging around myself.
Sometimes, I think my self-sabotage(from now on referred to by SS), comes from a sense of perfectionism. If I can’t do it “right” I can’t do it at all. I am sure it stems from my OCD, but I like things to be “just right”. If I am not loosing at the rate I should be, maybe I shouldn’t be loosing at all. Mistakes are things that loser’s do, and loser’s are not winners! That is pretty rational thinking right? It seems like it sometimes, till you put it down in words, now it seems pretty silly.
Can I give myself permission to make mistakes? No, I can’t, well maybe, I guess, perhaps, yes I can. I already know that mistakes are simply lessons wrapped with reality. They are there to teach us what to do next time. Just because I make a mistake(such as over indulging), doesn’t mean the race is over. When I do those things, I simply “reset” my day as soon as the next bite. Example: Was over at my moms last night, and she makes these great “balls”, with peanut butter, rice crispy s, honey and chocolate. They are like manna from heaven. I ate two..ok all done, later I had another, ok all done. After dinner, my sweet tooth hit and I grabbed two more. I didn’t have the points for those two, but I wanted them anyway. I eat the first one, man was it good. I look at the second, I know I shouldn’t eat it, but I want to(part of it knowing that I am SS’ing). I go to eat it, but at the last moment I decide that it ISN’T worth it. I go and put it back. I restarted, I had picked myself off the floor and got back on the race track. It “tasted’ better than if I had actually eaten it.
Thinking about this more, I wonder if sometimes I SS out of a want for control. Weight loss can often leave your feeling like your out of control. You don’t KNOW how much weight your loosing, or if you even are. For someone like me, I don’t often like the feeling of “being out of the loop”. When I SS, I take back that control, it lets me decide what is going to happen! This can be a tough one to overcome, I mean after all, it is sort of hardwired in all of use to want that sort of control. I try not to bring religion to much in to this blog, but sometimes prayer is the answer. The simple act of praying is giving up control. We “ask” our “Deity” for requests, but we only have faith that it will be answered. It is the same principle of allowing yourself to succeed. You have to give up the control of knowing what will happen(by setting your self up to fail), and have faith for the right outcome. Perhaps, I simply need to pray more, not for help loosing weight, but for help giving up my control in life. I am reminded of a favorite Christian hymn, “He Leadeth Me!”.
For those that practice a different faith, or don’t practice any, I hope you can see the principle of what I am sharing.
In conclusion, I need to learn: To allow myself to be helped, to forgive myself of my mistakes, to love myself for who I am, and to have faith that success can/will happen.
Keep on Rolling,
Big Boned Biker