Guilt

*It has taken me a few days to write this post, each time I come back to it I end up crying and have to walk away. *

As I sit here at the computer both boys are napping, and with my wife out of town till tonight it has been interesting. The weather wasn’t nice yesterday so I didn’t even leave the house. I have been feeling depressed a lot lately and having a hard time keeping my “head in the game”. Since this blog is about my journey, I always promote honesty. I feel like quitting. Not because of the couple of gains I had, but because I feel tired. I have been not minding my points(but always tracking) and not using my anchors ( link to anchors ). I simply have been eating food in the amount I feel like eating. I am not eating though because I am hungry, I am eating because I am sad. Why is this going on?

It didn’t hit me until yesterday when I saw what the date was, it was 6 days till the 6th anniversary of my mothers death. It always hits me hard as I was/am a mama’s boy. I think of her often and even have some nightmares about her being buried alive(and it being my fault). When she first died I would wake wondering if it was real or not, that she was dead. I digress though, every time I get close to this part of the year my mood changes. It becomes harder for me to stay “in control” with more than just my eating. I have a very bad temper, but 99% of the time I keep it controlled(using some techniques I learned in my teens). I find my self snapping at my wife/kids about little things and just being in a bad mood (NEVER Violent though). I know it was a traumatic event, but I feel like this far out I should be coping with it better. I have talked to a therapist about it in the past but didn’t get a lot of help. I have finally realized why it still hits me so hard. I have guilt about her death.

My mother was pretty much in a coma before she died. Her blood pressure kept dropping very low and the drugs the were using to raise it was also hurting her. As some of you may not know, my mother was over 700 pounds, and bed ridden most my life. She often would go to the hospital with “life threatening” things only to find out she exaggerated it. This though wasn’t one of those times. She lived in Florida and I was living in Wisconsin at the time. I had gone down to see her in the hospital a couple of months before hand. She was released and re-admitted a few times since that visit. So when I got the call to come down, I made the decision to stay. I felt I had already said my goodbyes and the last time I had spoke to her on the phone I made damn well sure she knew how much I loved her. So in the middle of the night I got the call, but I didn’t answer the phone. I thought it was just my brother calling to say he had made it to the hospital. I wish I had picked up that phone call, I wish I had gone down, and I wish I could have stopped it. I felt like I let my mother down, that I didn’t protect her like a son should. I was at home sleeping as she took her last breath, and didn’t even think to answer the phone.

My mother, gone but NEVER forgotten!
My mother, gone but NEVER forgotten!

Guilt, guilt, GUILT. I feel guilty, and I shouldn’t. Going down to the funeral all I could think about was how I should have saved her. I know I couldn’t but I SHOULD have, and that means I KILLED HER. So imagine you are going to your mother’s funeral and what keeps going in the back of your mind is that you were responsible for this happening. Compound this with the sadness, depression, and other feelings that come with such an event. Now every year it pops back up, that same guilty feeling. I let her down, and it was all my fault.

So I decided to write it out, and show myself how it wasn’t my fault and that I shouldn’t feel guilty. First, there was NOTHING I could have done to save her life at the hospital. NOTHING. I am not a doctor nor miracle worker.

Second, I am not the one who made her eat, just as she isn’t the one who made me eat. We all make our own food choices in the end. She, like myself, dealt with a food addition, it is just as strong as any other addiction, accept you HAVE to still eat food. You don’t have to drink or smoke to live, but you do have to eat. Imagine telling an Alcoholic you have to have one drink a day but NO MORE! That addiction though was hers and she is the one who made the choice to ignore it. I sound like a jerk right now(at least to myself), I shouldn’t be so hard on someone who was going through something like that, right? I am dealing with my own food addiction, and I understand the struggle. It is easier to give in than to fight it, but I firmly believe that we can learn to “control” it. I am not saying there won’t be ups and downs, many people with addictions relapse. It is what happens after those relapses that shows what you are made of.

Finally, at the root of all this is the fact that I have anger towards her, that I never really knew. Why should I be angry? I am angry for the childhood I had(I sound like a stereotypical person blaming their parents for their problems), and the fact that her addiction became mine. Little addicts come from big addicts. She wasn’t able to do anything, she couldn’t come out and play, make sure I did my homework and a host of other things. I am pissed off at her about all of it! She placed her drug of choice above her children, and that is a hard thing for a child. She also took away memories, like the ones I am building with my sons. My sons will never get to know her personally, and give her big hugs. She missed everything! This problem though is my own, and it is up to me to move past it. I can’t hold her responsible for my feelings of anger, and resentment. In an effort to start the healting I will put it here in writing. While I don’t 100% mean it(but know someday I will), it is a first step.

I Forgive you!

When I look at those three things, I realize it wasn’t my fault. I realize the guilt I was feeling is coming from so many other places. My mind doesn’t want to think negative things about my mother, I love her very much. I think my brain said “it is better we feel guilty than to have bad thoughts about her.” Every time this part of the year arrives, and my mind starts to go towards the thoughts of her, my brain tells the same lie. Now, just as I was typing this all out is when the realization of the anger came out. It is a relief, a physical and emotional release even. I know how to tackle this, and what needs to be done.

I know my thoughts don’t always come together how I want them to on here, but I know I got a lot out of writing this.

GUILT

Keep on Rolling,

Big Boned Biker

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5 thoughts on “Guilt

  1. I totally understand these feelings, because my birth father died of an addiction to alcohol when I was 12 yrs old, and I had a lot of the same feelings into adulthood. Blessings as you evaluate, sort and heal. ❤

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  2. I have read all of your blogs and I can’t tell you the encouragement I have received from them!!! My heart goes out to you!!! Your mom would be sooooo proud of you!!! You get MUST get back with it with your eating habits. Do this for yourself but also do it in honor of your mom. She will be there to give you encouragement!!! Think POSITIVE thoughts – get rid of your negative thoughts!!! Your family is your priority is your little ones and your wife!!! I hope this makes sense – DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF!!!!!!

    A friend from Plat. WW – Paulette

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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  3. Micah; You’ve had a lot to deal with and still do. Your Mother had a lot to deal with and she did in her own way. She had her weaknesses as we all do, but what you can learn from this loss is that there’s only One,who cannot fail and that’s God. He cannot fail. He will not fail us in this life, it’s we who fail Him, but He is always there waiting for us to reach out to Him and in our reaching out, He places His hand in our hand and lifts us up out of that miry clay and sets our feet upon solid ground.

    After losing Joe (my husband), I struggled with the fact that I had been upset with him for a couple of days and he knew it. I tried not to be, but I had a hard time agreeing with him on a decision he made, and as it turned out, he was making the best decision for my future. I regret not just simply having faith in him. I know that it doesn’t matter to him now and our love was much deeper than that, so I go on. Your Mother would want you to go on. If she knew Jesus as her personal Savior, her eyes have been enlightened like you and I have yet to see. I believe that if she could, she would tell you that she’s the one who is sorry for taking away parts of your childhood. It sounds to me like she loved you and you her, and you not being at her bedside when she passed away, didn’t diminish that love that she carried with her, or your love for her.

    It takes time to heal from the loss of a loved one Micah, and there is no time limit on that sorrow. Yes, we do have to move forward, but we never move away from that love that we shared with that loved one. I will always miss my beloved Joe, always, but I know this is just a temporary separation (as he told me it would be one day), and as children of God, we will live throughout eternity with our Lord and Savior, the One, who died, so that we might have life and life more abundantly.

    God has blessed you with a beautiful family and a wonderful opportunity to live a life that is pleasing to Him and that is all this is about. Our weight, is not WHO we are, but it’s a symptom of the sorrow and trials that we’ve had and I don’t believe God expects us to be perfect, because as long as we are on this earth, we are never going to be perfect, but we can reach out to God and let Him have His perfect work in our lives. If you don’t understand that, ask God to help you to understand that and to give you the right desires.

    As I was praying the other day, when I was very distraught over the loss of Joe, I ask the Lord to break down those walls of bondage that Satan had brought into my life. Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world. God is our answer Micah. I care about you. Be well dear, and let God give you peace. Guilt is a trick of the enemy (Satan) and he holds about as much power as a flea, when you stack him up against God. Guilt is just a way to keep our minds upon ourselves and off of God. Don’t let him (Satan) have that power Micah. We can do this. I’m praying for you. You pray for me too dear.

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