So this is my last post as a twenty something year old…tomorrow I turn thi..thir…thirr..twenty nine version two. I know, I am still young, but there is something about this age that “seals” in the loss of my youth. I remember when I turned 20, I was in Florida in fact and somehow talked my grandma into buying me a 6 pack of Coor’s Light. I remember feeling the same way, that a door was closing behind me. Shortly after that birthday I found myself in Canada working as an undocumented worker for a few months. In fact, it was after that birthday that my life went upside down in so many different ways, some good some bad.
1. Lived in Miami
2. Moved to Canada
3. Left Canada
4. Moved to Wisconsin
5. Got Job
6. Moved to different part of Wisconsin
7. Got Engaged
8. Broke up
9. Moved to Madison, Wisconsin
10. New Girlfriend
11. Got engaged
12. Broke up
13. Found new Girlfriend
14. Mom Died
15. Got Engaged
16. Left Job
17. Got Job
18. Left Job
19. Got Job
20. Got Married
21. Mother In Law Died
22. Left Job to be SAHD
23. Had first son
24. Moved to Eau Claire, Wisconsin
25. Found Church we loved
26. Bought Katrina
27. Moved To Platteville, Wisconsin
28. Started Weight Watchers
29. Had second son
30. Moved to Indiana
So here is my last ten years summed up in 30 parts, kind of boring eh? I realize that I let my weight stop me from doing so many things! I look back on all the missed opportunities and it gives me some regrets. Why didn’t I make these changes sooner? The sad sad sad truth is I wasn’t ready for the most part to make those changes. The good news is that it isn’t to late to still live my life! My goal is to do something amazingly awesome every year, so that when I am 40 it will be a much better list!
Jumping back a bit, I want to talk about some things that have been going on in my life. This part has been on my mind a lot about sharing, I am still not sure if I am going to publish it. I hope this doesn’t “taint” my posts for the future, and I am sharing in the hopes that others may get some help out of it. In 2012 I found out I have a type of Bi-Polar. Bi-polar 2, which means I have more of the low end of things and not the major highs/manics of a BP1 person. I also have OCD, which often times comes hand in hand with BP. Why am I sharing this? One, this is my blog and I want to write about it! Really though, is that it is a big factor of my life. It is often times at the source of my struggles, bringing me down when I should be happy. It is a part of me that I wish wasn’t, but as they say “we all have a cross to bare”. One thing I want to share is that people like me, we are more than the sum of our illnesses. My emotions are my own, and not simply a “disease”, and shouldn’t be ignored or written off. My struggles may not be the same as yours, but that is why they are mine.
This is relevant because the last few weeks I have been obsessing about my upcoming birthday. It wouldn’t leave the back of my mind and it kept gnawing away at my psyche. I do not want to turn 30, I would be happy to freeze time as it is right now, my boys never growing older, my wife and I forever young. Life would be rose colored and always sunny! That ain’t happening though, and time marches on no matter if I want it or not. My OCD type personality doesn’t like things to be outside of my control. Time won’t sit in the box I want it to sit in! How rude right? Anyways, this has been on my mind a lot, and I found myself over eating, not really caring about it. I never have stopped being “on plan” and tracking, I just simply stopped caring about it. I need something to change, and it took me awhile to put my finger on it.
So I am growing up, maturing, and improving my life. I have a wife I love, children who are my world, and am breaking out of the prison I was in for the majority of my life. Of course, my prison was never made of cement and steel, mine was made of fat and tears. The warden of this prison was such a jerk, he would sit there stuffing me full of donuts and tell me how much he wishes I wasn’t in his jail. Suuure you can be skinny, or you can have this donut! What a jerk!
The last couple of years has been so eyeopening about how I got fat. I never considered myself an emotional eater but the fact was I just didn’t know the emotions I was having. I tried filling this void with food, love, and even religion, but none of those filled that void. I know many of you are thinking that “umm it is a cross shaped hole..you just need Jesus!”, but it wasn’t what was missing in my life. What has been in that void was much more basic, it was love for myself. It is easier for me to except that someone else loves me, than for me to except that I can love myself. I still struggle with this a lot, and lately it has been bad. All I have been seeing in the mirror is the fat man, behind those flabby walls! He is disgusting, face like a swine, bloated and greasy, his eyes are soulless and reflect the emptiness that he is, and even his smile is a sad thing to see. Luckily though, I know that isn’t who I am, and slowly but surely, I am reminding myself how really awesome that I am.
Keep On Rolling,
Big Boned Biker
This last week sucked, it just plain sucked! Actually, the last two weeks suck, because of traveling back to Platteville I ended up going negative on my points each week. We also didn’t get to weigh in the one week, and so when weigh in came on this past Saturday it was welcomed. What made these past weeks all the worse was the weather, cold, rainy, and just plain yucky. Despite my manly persona, sometimes I can be rather wimpy. The truth is I let it be an easy excuse not to go out riding, and those week showed it. I have been grumpy, depressed, hungry, and rather snappy at those near me. So to everyone who had to deal with me I apologize, it wasn’t you, it really was me. I find myself needing to vent about this so, since this is my blog I will do as such.
I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate..I DID track, but that is me only half-assing it. I found myself hungry even though i had already ate a decent sized meal. Nothing could sedate my hunger some days, leaving me feeling worse and worse. I tried hard to not feel guilty about my choices, but after 2 slices of pizza, a waffle cone, bag of popcorn, and some Chinese food(all in one meal) it is difficult thing to do. I know what was causing the hunger and right now i don’t wish to share publicly. I know some of you are thinking “but you share so much!”, but sometimes even I want to keep somethings to myself.
I walked up to the scale on 05/03/2014 with a weird mix of feelings, knowing what my fate was gave me a sense of relaxation. I accepted what was coming, the gain that would be showing on the scale. I needed this, oh lord did I need this! Just like getting baptized, I felt that this weigh in would wash my last two weeks away. I would feel “redeemed” so to speak, and free to move on! I also felt a feeling of dread, I was about to have my sentence passed down from the “judge”. As the scale sent me it’s metallic stare, it seemed to scan me for a sign of remorse for my deeds, for that second piece of pizza or that waffle cone. It knew, it knew all my dirty little eating secrets! How can you feel judged and set free at the same time? I have no clue, but that is how I felt.
“So how was your week?”, ahh yes the standard question from the lady behind the scale. How was my week? I could lie, but why? I weighed myself at home before I left and a 3 pound gain can be hard to hide. I could laugh it off, hahaha I ate a horse! Did you hear about those sheep that went missing? It really does take three little piggies to make a piggy pie! I don’t know what good that will do though, if anything it makes it seems like I simply don’t care anymore. Do I care anymore? There was a day that I hit my “limit” and was done with the it all. I told my wife, I am through with it all, screw this all! Yet, I knew I couldn’t quit, and I didn’t want it to seem like I did. So, I could be honest? Hey, I ate like a pig and didn’t practice what I preach. You know those anchors? I cut the line and let them sink! I am nothing but a fat fat fatty hypocrite, a fruad and a flim flam. Maybe I should just not say anything, step on the scale and, face it with a cold glare.
Which am I? The lier, the joker, the truth-teller, the brick wall? That moment seemed to last a lifetime, I knew what I was going to do and didn’t like it one bit. I looked her in the eye and said “it was a bad week, I went negative on my points and made poor choices”. Did I feel like the liar, hypocrite, and a fraud? Yup! I didn’t let that stop me though, because I know that those aren’t true. I am simply a human being who has ups and downs. Much to my surprise(ok not really) she didn’t judge me! I love the fact that weigh in is a judgment free zone, I don’t have to worry about disappointing looks or remarks.
I stood holding my breath, almost afraid to look at the scale, the feeling of redemption came back over me. It didn’t matter what the scale said, and I won’t tell you if you ask. I felt a sense of renewed vigor, this coming week will be my best week in a long time! I am focused and driven, I want my next goal. I can TASTE my next goal, and it tastes better than any thing I have ever ate before! Have you ever had one of those moments? The moment when you realize that you could smack down a linebacker if he got in your way! That is me right now, I am on fire and nothing will put me out.
So if I have a gain next week, will that stop me? Really, did you not just read the above? I will not be stopped, if you fall down 6 times you get up 7. So yesterday you know what I did after lunch? I took my oldest boy on a 30 mile bike ride. Semi-loaded my panniers and hooked Katrina up to Bullseye, taking off for parts unknown. We even did some “off roading” for a bit, going through some water puddles. By the way, FYI, those trailers do not have the same clearance as your bike. Lucky it just soaked his feet and he had the good sense to pick his feet up when he felt them getting wet.
Moral of the story, you tell me…
Keep on rolling,