**Warning may be a trigger for some**

A bit of a warning, this post may be a trigger for some, and I advise reading at your own risk.

 

 

 

 

 

Time for some honesty: I am NOT doing well lately, besides having slow losses, I have been bogged down with depression. I sometimes don’t leave my house for days, and find myself often getting irritated with my kids for no reason. I feel like the worst dad, husband, and just an overall crappy human being. I hate the fact that my meds stop my mood swings, I get stuck in this depressive state and I can’t get out.

 

I grew up on a roller coaster, never spending to long in one mood. I think it is one of the reasons I have had difficulty making friends, or at least keeping them. I never had to worry about being depressed though, give it a day and I would be right back up. So now, being locked into a dark mood it is getting tiresome. I tried stopping my meds but that wasn’t pretty, and I know if I could just figure out what is going on I would be fine. I keep thinking I found the source of my depression, I fix it, and it doesn’t go away.

I just want to be done with it all…

 

Here is something I wrote up a few weeks ago, sharing it more for myself than anything. It really describes what I am feeling.

Sometimes our soul ignites with a passion, other times it dwindles to a flame the size of a match head where it goes out in with a wisp of smoke from the once burning light.

I wish I knew the magic words to set my soul alight again, relight it to a conflagration.

Burn away the darkness, the black sooty feelings of remorse, loneliness, and morbidity.

Why? Why? Why?

Do I bother, do I care, do I continue.

I cease.

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6 thoughts on “**Warning may be a trigger for some**

  1. keep going. you got kids to think about. exercise really helps depression. go get on your hot brand new awesome bike and go see what kind of fun you can have. i think i understand some of what you’re going through. my default state is kind of just below neutral in this languishing slightly negativity. i have to seek out pleasure and i learned that my life’s direction is controlled by the decisions i make, and that having fun the right way is a win-win. for you, with kids, it’s win-win-win. take your kiddo with’m. got a trailer for the trek yet? if not, consider it and look forward to it, plan your ride sessions and get more out of them. share them with others and get the most.

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    1. I wish I could ride more, the biggest issue for me is my youngest isn’t old enough for the trailer. Next year though, I hope to be Car Light and be able to bike to most of my things. Thank you though 🙂

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  2. You have got to STOP feeling sorry for yourself!!!! You may need some assistance – GO for counseling!!! You have accomplished sooooo much – don’t throw it away!!! You have accomplished so much!!! It’s not easy – how I know! Pray to God and your mom and they will give you the strength you need!!! What an example you will be setting for your children. Do something sweet for your wife – she will always be there for You!!!
    YOU can do it!!!!!!!!!!

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  3. Let me know if I can help. I don’t want to say I know what you’re going through, but I can definitely relate to getting locked into those emotions. I hope things are looking better since you wrote – if not, I can think of a couple friends who would love to see you 😉

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  4. Hey. I’m on the other side of the world and I just stumbled across your blog and this post really connected with me. I’m a big boned biker too, and a husband, and a father, and I’ve been in and out of depression for twenty years. Sometimes I feel like I’m a good dad, sometimes I feel like I’m a shitty dad. Drop me an email if you’ve ever got stuff on your mind and you want to talk it through with someone you’ll never meet.

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