A bit of a warning, this post may be a trigger for some, and I advise reading at your own risk.
Time for some honesty: I am NOT doing well lately, besides having slow losses, I have been bogged down with depression. I sometimes don’t leave my house for days, and find myself often getting irritated with my kids for no reason. I feel like the worst dad, husband, and just an overall crappy human being. I hate the fact that my meds stop my mood swings, I get stuck in this depressive state and I can’t get out.
I grew up on a roller coaster, never spending to long in one mood. I think it is one of the reasons I have had difficulty making friends, or at least keeping them. I never had to worry about being depressed though, give it a day and I would be right back up. So now, being locked into a dark mood it is getting tiresome. I tried stopping my meds but that wasn’t pretty, and I know if I could just figure out what is going on I would be fine. I keep thinking I found the source of my depression, I fix it, and it doesn’t go away.
I just want to be done with it all…
Here is something I wrote up a few weeks ago, sharing it more for myself than anything. It really describes what I am feeling.
Sometimes our soul ignites with a passion, other times it dwindles to a flame the size of a match head where it goes out in with a wisp of smoke from the once burning light.
I wish I knew the magic words to set my soul alight again, relight it to a conflagration.
Burn away the darkness, the black sooty feelings of remorse, loneliness, and morbidity.
Why? Why? Why?
Do I bother, do I care, do I continue.