When you try and be fancy and screw up dinner. Yeah, that was me last night. It totally messed me up, and I went off the rails last night. That’s not true. We went out to Applebee’s, and since we don’t have the kids this week, it was just my wife and I. Which means I COULD have made the choice to order some healthy options, there are plenty available where we went. I had no kids rushing me to order quickly, I had time to think through what I should order. Instead, I ordered a creamy pasta dish, with onion rings as an appetizer. It would be so easy to blame it all on messing up dinner but the reality is that isn’t what messed me up. I messed me up, I made the choice, and I need to take responsibility for it.
About 3 weeks ago I finally hit below 300! I was ecstatic to say the least! However, in the last 3 weeks I have gained it all back. I don’t know why but I have been struggling hard core lately. I have talked about it with a few close friends, and the only thing we can think of is that I am afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid of success, afraid of letting people down. How can I do so well, just to throw it all away? Where do I go from here?
As I sit here writing this I feel the ache of depressing settling in on my heart. I KNOW what to do, I could do the program blindfolded. Yet, when it comes time to follow it, I am hesitant, I am afraid, I am weak. I’ve lost my spark.
When I set out to write this post it was going to be something else all together, something positive and uplifting. But, I make it a point to be honest on this blog, and life isn’t all sunshine and daffodils. It’s messy, gooey, smelly and just plan dirty sometimes. This is just a bump in the road, I will find my spark again, I am confident of that. Every cloud has a silver lining, sometimes it just takes awhile to find it.
Thinking about it, perhaps I just need to learn to not be afraid of the fear. I need to embrace the worries that I am having, instead of trying to run away from them. I’m not solving anything by hiding them away under a pile of food, I need to focus on working through them. Baby steps…
Keep On Rolling,
Big Boned Biker
Saturday, a fellow father and blogger, Oren Miller, passed away from cancer. I knew him as the admin and founder of a Dad Blogger group I am a part of. I never had much one on one talking with him, but still his death hurts. It really really hurts. It hurts more than I “think” it should, I feel like I don’t have the right to feel this way. I feel that I am being selfish in a sense, that this grief shouldn’t belong to me. Yet here I am, crying at my keyboard at 1am, wondering why?
I feel for his children, his wife, and his loved ones. I know exactly how it feels to loose people you love to illnesses that they didn’t deserve. Why can’t all the pedophiles, rapist, and murders get all the cancer? How come it is amazing people like those I have known? WHY?
Since reading this news my eating has gone downhill. Pizza, Chinese, and candy. I haven;t exercised and I feel like crap from doing all this. I need to put the brakes down today. This post is short and to the point, but it is important to me. While it may not “flow” nicely, I am getting these thoughts out,! Letting myself bring back some room for some positive thinking and acting. Everyday is a new day, and a fresh start can happen when ever you wish it.
Keep On Rolling,
Big Boned Biker