When you try and be fancy and screw up dinner. Yeah, that was me last night. It totally messed me up, and I went off the rails last night. That’s not true. We went out to Applebee’s, and since we don’t have the kids this week, it was just my wife and I. Which means I COULD have made the choice to order some healthy options, there are plenty available where we went. I had no kids rushing me to order quickly, I had time to think through what I should order. Instead, I ordered a creamy pasta dish, with onion rings as an appetizer. It would be so easy to blame it all on messing up dinner but the reality is that isn’t what messed me up. I messed me up, I made the choice, and I need to take responsibility for it.
About 3 weeks ago I finally hit below 300! I was ecstatic to say the least! However, in the last 3 weeks I have gained it all back. I don’t know why but I have been struggling hard core lately. I have talked about it with a few close friends, and the only thing we can think of is that I am afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid of success, afraid of letting people down. How can I do so well, just to throw it all away? Where do I go from here?
As I sit here writing this I feel the ache of depressing settling in on my heart. I KNOW what to do, I could do the program blindfolded. Yet, when it comes time to follow it, I am hesitant, I am afraid, I am weak. I’ve lost my spark.
When I set out to write this post it was going to be something else all together, something positive and uplifting. But, I make it a point to be honest on this blog, and life isn’t all sunshine and daffodils. It’s messy, gooey, smelly and just plan dirty sometimes. This is just a bump in the road, I will find my spark again, I am confident of that. Every cloud has a silver lining, sometimes it just takes awhile to find it.
Thinking about it, perhaps I just need to learn to not be afraid of the fear. I need to embrace the worries that I am having, instead of trying to run away from them. I’m not solving anything by hiding them away under a pile of food, I need to focus on working through them. Baby steps…
Keep On Rolling,
Big Boned Biker
As I looked through my bag I made out a mental checklist
HRM Strap Check
I grabbed the bag and headed to drop my oldest off at school, but today was going to be different! Today I was meeting with a trainer. I arrived about 15 min early and brought my youngest into the daycare and went to change. The locker room is always a scary place for me, I hate the idea of changing in front of a bunch of other people. Even more so when I am the very fat guy and they are all body builders! I wear my workout shorts under my pants and find a corner to myself as best I can. Still, I feel like an outcast and like everyone is wondering what this guy is doing in their gym.
As I head out I ran into Jon, my trainer ,and we begin what would I was sure would be an hour of pure uncomfortableness. You see, I was very excited up until this moment, which changed when the realization of what I was doing hit me. I was about to deal with a person one on one who trains body builders and athletes. I get out of breath tying my shoes some days! He began with getting some basic background and I explained how I had lost heading towards 200# but had gained #100 back. His response is what made me realize that this wouldn’t be all bad. “but you didn’t gain it all back!”. I knew that I could work with him now, he wasn’t just going to judge me and blow me off.
I figured he would just run me through the machines real quick, right a few things down and then spend 30 min on a sales pitch on why I should hire him. Instead, he showed me the machines but the first things we used were free weights. This scared me! On a machine I could sorta hide how little I was lifting but with barbells and dumbbells etc, everyone could see how weak I really am. We started out with bench pressing, moved to dumbbells, and finally did head to a few machines. The only downside was that we only covered the upper body and didn’t have enough time to really show me a lower body workout. Oh well, I figured I could wing it.
After the workout we talked for a bit more, he explained how he likes people to track their food. I laughed a little and told him I track every bite, every meal, every day. He seemed excited about that, and we talked a bit more about how he would help me achieve my goals etc. Overall it was a great experience, and much better than I had expected. One big thing he told me though, and one that is I guess a common mistake, I have been doing to much cardio. If you do all your cardio now, then when you get to a point you stop loosing, you don’t have it to fall back on. Your body gets use to doing it and it becomes easier for it to do it (in other words burns less calories). Better is to work on strength a do cardio in short amounts on your non lifting days. It seemed so backwards from what I had always been told, that I actually checked with a few other people first and turns out he was correct. I am looking forward to signing up with him and hoping that this will give me the knowledge I have been lacking for strength training.
Fast forward to the last few workouts, I do my warm up, 15-30min cardio, and then I look at the weight lifting area with fear. I am still to scared to use the machines or free weights(right term?), because everyone will laugh at me. In fact, the will point and laugh, horns will grow out of their heads, and the entire world will turn into a grainy black and white! Look at this guy struggle to lift 15 pound weights! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So the first time I walked right by it and went to the locker room to leave. As I reached my locker I realized that I can’t let this fear rule me. I need to go out and do what I need to do! I go and start my workout, minus the bench presses(because they were being used). Turns out, no body laughed, no one had horns growing from their heads, and the world still stayed in color. I pushed past the fear and anxiety, feeling all the stronger for just doing that! I didn’t let other people become my excuse. The most important thing we bring with us to the gym is the willingness to push past our excuses!
Keep On Rolling,
Big Boned Biker