Fear of the Fear

Life is a messy, muddy, and bumpy road.

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When you try and be fancy and screw up dinner. Yeah, that was me last night. It totally messed me up, and I went off the rails last night. That’s not true. We went out to Applebee’s, and since we don’t have the kids this week, it was just my wife and I. Which means I COULD have made the choice to order some healthy options, there are plenty available where we went. I had no kids rushing me to order quickly, I had time to think through what I should order. Instead, I ordered a creamy pasta dish, with onion rings as an appetizer. It would be so easy to blame it all on messing up dinner but the reality is that isn’t what messed me up. I messed me up, I made the choice, and I need to take responsibility for it.

About 3 weeks ago I finally hit below 300! I was ecstatic to say the least! However, in the last 3 weeks I have gained it all back. I don’t know why but I have been struggling hard core lately. I have talked about it with a few close friends, and the only thing we can think of is that I am afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid of success, afraid of letting people down. How can I do so well, just to throw it all away? Where do I go from here?

As I sit here writing this I feel the ache of depressing settling in on my heart. I KNOW what to do, I could do the program blindfolded. Yet, when it comes time to follow it, I am hesitant, I am afraid, I am weak. I’ve lost my spark.

When I set out to write this post it was going to be something else all together, something positive and uplifting. But, I make it a point to be honest on this blog, and life isn’t all sunshine and daffodils. It’s messy, gooey, smelly and just plan dirty sometimes. This is just a bump in the road, I will find my spark again, I am confident of that. Every cloud has a silver lining, sometimes it just takes awhile to find it.

Thinking about it, perhaps I just need to learn to not be afraid of the fear. I need to embrace the worries that I am having, instead of trying to run away from them. I’m not solving anything by hiding them away under a pile of food, I need to focus on working through them. Baby steps…

Keep On Rolling,

Big Boned Biker

Dear Spring

Dearest Spring,

Long have I waited for your tender embrace, to feel the warmth that you bring to my soul! My very being yearns for you! When I see bitterness, the cold dark despairing soul of black outside my window, I remember fondly your budding beauty. Please, come back my love, come back and set my soul free, free to experience all that you are and all that you shall be.

In other news, last week I missed my #100 by .2 as many know. This week I don’t know what happened, but I feel a total lack of motivation to go to the gym. If my metal box of torture is to be believed I am looking at a gain is week. I think that a few factors are contributing to this weeks fail, one being I am getting sick of the gym. There is only so many things you can do at the gym, and I need something different. Winter is dragging on to long and I just want some nice weather, to be able to take Katrina out and not freeze my gears off. I also think I might have self sabotaged, being afraid of loosing this weight and not having my shield of fat to protect me from this world.

So, Mr. BBB, if you have a gain what happens next? Good question, I think it will be time to quit and regain all my weight. Wait, that’s not correct, I think it will be time to refocus and look at my priorities. Is this about numbers on a piece of paper? Is this about working out till you drop(almost passed out the other day after a work out)? Instead, is this about enjoying life and being healthy? Is it about playing with your son on the playground, and enjoying being a husband/father to my family. Questions I must decided for myself, and while the answer seems clear, my mind is not sure.

Growing up I think about all I missed out on, being afraid to go on rides because I thought I was to fat/big. Thinking that people hated me simply because of my weight, and so avoiding them whenever I could. It sucks that I let those things stop me from enjoying life, but its not to late, I am still here! My one big dream is to go hang gliding, the thought of soaring through the air with no engine like a bird thrills me(though I am deathly afraid of heights). When I get below 200lbs I plan to peruse this, and I can’t “weight” for it to happen.

BigBonedBiker

PS if anyone knows Ellen I want to go on her show 🙂