Gym

Really proud of myself today! Not only did I go to the gym, despite my having to reschedule with my trainer, but I also stepped outside my personal comfort zone

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Really proud of myself today! Not only did I go to the gym, despite my having to reschedule with my trainer, but I also stepped outside my personal comfort zone.

When I first started working out at the gym, my biggest fear was being noticed by people. The first time I had to do squats and lunges on my own, I was so scared I was shaking! I pushed past that however, and have finally gotten to the point where I feel comfortable doing my workout. I realized that everyone was to busy looking at themselves in the mirror to notice my reflection. I could workout in peace, and now don’t even need to headphones when I lift(I used them to drown out the room as opposed to listening to music). I saw my fear, faced it and moved on.

So here I am, mid workout, just finishing my sets of lunges, when a man walks up to me. Not only does he walk up to me, but he asks me to come spot him. Inside I am freaking out, my mind races and thinks about all the times I have been the butt of jokes, but I reply “no problem happy to help”. As I am walking over I remember that he had briefly introduced himself a week or so ago when I was working with the dumbbells. This made me feel slightly better but inside I was still feeling very self-conscious, my belling showing slightly due to the cut of my workout shirt(it is made for biking so it is shorter in the front and longer in the back). It sorta came to me at this time that I really didn’t know how to “spot” someone actually. I knew the idea behind it, but having never done it, I wasn’t sure the etiquette of doing it. Would I help him lift to soon? To Late? Was I about to get someone killed because the weight was higher than I could handle? Anxiety makes you think of these types of things.

“I’ve never spotted anyone before, what would you like me to do?” I asked, because despite not wanting to look like an idiot, I didn’t want to do this wrong.

He explained what he wanted me to do, but my thoughts were still galloping around in my head. Filling me with doubt. Would I be able to handle this weight? No, because you are just a fat weakling. Is this some cruel joke that someone is playing on me? YES, because why else would they ask for your help! Are you going to just mess this up and look like an idiot? Of course you will. These were the type of thoughts that were going on in my brain.

He didn’t get hurt, he didn’t laugh at me, he didn’t do anything besides lift weights and say thank you. Afterwords we talked for a few a couple of minutes and I came to the realization that he probably was having the same self-conscious feelings that I was. Turns out, we are both humans, both new to this, and both just trying to get our “burn” on. As I went back to my workout I felt a sense of pride in myself, a few weeks ago I would have just said no, and just the fact that someone noticed me, I may never have wanted to step foot in the gym again. I did it though, I proved that I was stronger than I believed. Physically, but even more so emotionally.

I read somewhere that the best thing to do with anxiety, is to do the thing you are anxious about. Every time you don’t, you are reinforcing that negativity behavior, making it more difficult next time to push through it. I know next time, I won’t feel like I did, or I should say, I won’t feel AS bad as I did. I am a stronger person, I am a healthier person, and I am learning to enjoy to workout physically and emotionally.

Finally starting to see some progress again(and time for a haircut again I think)!

Starting to see some progress
Starting to see some progress
Mid workout
Mid workout

Keep On Rolling,

Big Boned Biker

It was a rather blustery day…

It was a wonderful day out, and I had plans to go bike riding! I love days like this, feels like spring has come(though in 2 days we are suppose to get a snow storm), birds are chirping and the pedals are moving. At drop off for LB 1’s preschool, I saw my friend Brian, and he made the mistake of mentioning that he didn’t have any plans this morning. Instantly I pounced on the chance, and invited him for a short bike ride. I promised to take it easy and we would just do a short little ride, and he believed me. Muwhahahaha.

I rushed home, got my youngest ready and went out to the stable(some might call it a garage). I started the process of getting everything ready. Brakes, check! Tire pressure, check! No weird rattling noises, check! All systems go and prepare for launch.

spacecraft-303592_960_720

After hooking up the trailer, and making sure I had everything ready to go, Brian arrived. He seemed both excited and apprehensive. I knew though, deep down inside, that once we got going he would love it. I know in the past he had joked he could only bike a mile or so, I figured we would go out and be back real quick. That’s ok, we all have to start somewhere and I didn’t want him to over do it, never wanting to go out again.

brianfirst1

We started out and I could quickly see that he wasn’t enjoying it. Did I mention this was a windy day? Like 50 mph gust type windy day? We went about a half mile and he asked to pull over, and I figured we would be turning around. I took that moment though to mention a few “pointers” for riding, sitting on the pelvic bone not the tail bone, don’t ride using your heel as you want to use the ball of your foot, I think I also mentioned posture and keep the shoulders relaxed. As we started back up again I also realized I had forgotten to tell him something important, how to switch gears! He was in a high gear as the bike was last used on my trainer, and with this head wind it must be killing his legs. He switched gears, sat right, moved his foot, and instantly I could tell he was enjoying himself more. We rode past the park and finally made it to the bike trail. What was nice is that with all the trees and the position of the trail, it really cut out the wind! I saw a smile on his face and was pretty sure I had him hooked.

brianfirst

As we went along I told him when we hit mile marks, and how fast he was going. I could tell that he found that encouraging and that he was surprising himself with what he could do. There was even a few times I had to catch up with him as we hit some decent speeds(I think at one point 15mph). We reached a shelter area and decided to take a quick rest, we had ridden over 3 miles and had to get back in time to pick up the kids. The way home was very smooth and when we did get hit by the wind, it was luckily at our backs. As we got back I could tell, I could see the look in his eyes, he was hooked. If we hadn’t been on such a time crunch, I think he could have done the full ride to Chesterton and back. I also look forward to having a new riding buddy, because you can never have to many of those!

Keep On Rolling,

Big Boned Biker

Determination

Today was a day where I woke up feeling defeated.

Today was a day where I woke up feeling defeated. No energy, not even 2 cups of DeathWish coffee could wake me up! Despite this, I really wanted to get in a workout this morning, and the best time was after dropping my oldest off at pre-k. One of the most awesome things about my gym is the free daycare! I love the fact that it allows me to work out during the day time, and not having to wait till the kids go to bed. My youngest loves it so much, he practically runs the entire way once we get inside.

After getting him settled in I went to the locker room to get changed. While in the locker room I felt like I could lay down on the bench and sleep right there. I honestly wasn’t sure how I would make it through a workout, let alone off the damn bench. Yet, I managed to get dressed and found that the gym was happily dead. I picked a treadmill, with a buffer on each side because my heart rate monitor will get picked up by the machines next to me as well. While loading up my Couch to 5k app, I really wondered if I could actually get through the entire 30 mins. I had no get up and go, no energy to speak of, and I was pretty sure I would start walking and quit 5 min. into it. Ever felt this way? What did you do? Here’s how it went for me.

I did the warm up and realized this was crazy and quit. I went next door to the pizza place and ate an entire large pizza, with 4 full calorie sodas. Not really though, after the warm up I decided I would just walk the entire thing, but when the “ding, start running!” sounded, I found myself turning it up and running. When it finished I swore that I was going to walk the next one, because I am beat. “Ding, start running” and again I turned it up to run. This went on for awhile and each time I would finish running I would tell myself “next time we walk”. I was defeated but I refused to give up, I ended up running all of them and finished out the full 30 mins! I ended up earning a badge, and I must say it was highly appropriate.

Determination

Determination? Even though I swore I was quitting at every chance, when it came time to make a choice, I picked pushing through it. It wasn’t an easy choice, and I instantly regretted it as I gasped for air like a fish out of water. But the regret I would have felt by giving up would have been even worse. Remember, when the road gets rough up ahead, just take it one step at a time. When you do, you will find yourself getting through the rough patch before you know it! YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Keep on Rolling,

Big Boned Biker

Thoughts

My son was begging me all day to do one thing, care to guess what it was? He wanted to go for a bike ride! I told him no, and no, and no, and no. My ankle is still really hurting and I wish I knew why, but I tried putting some heat on it, to no avail. However, I finally relented and took the boys on a trip in the magic cart (because somehow they almost always magically fall asleep).

It was nice and warm out, not hot, just warm. The bike felt amazing today, she responded like a dream and even pedaling didn’t hurt! As I rode down the path I started to think about somethings that have been on my mind lately. I have been going through a major depressive spell, and it has been sucking the life right out of me. I have been doing a lot of computer gaming lately, and even that isn’t making me happy. Nothing at all is making me happy right now, not even cycling. Depression rips the soul right out of you, it makes you just want to crawl into a hole and hide for the rest of your days. It blows monkey chunks. I remember looking up, and seeing something though, it is my absolute favorite part of the entire Prairie Dune-land trail!

No snow right now though...
No snow right now though…

I don’t know why, but this stretch it so amazingly peaceful to me, and brings warm fuzzy thoughts into my mind. Even today, it worked it’s magic on me. I looked over the side of the rails at the grassy area’s below and just felt peaceful, relaxed, and content with everything. I found the bike moving effortlessly along, and a smile slowly crept on my lips. Regrettably though, I couldn’t make it last. When I finally left this part of my ride, happily peddling my way home, the previous feelings and thoughts found their way back into my mind. This time though, they came back stronger and more fierce!

Looser

Fat

Quitter

Fake

Failure

Undisciplined

No control

Irresponsible

Worthless

Terrible Person

Horrid Father

These are the thoughts that are in my mind. Silent to everyone else, screaming at me in my head. This is what I am dealing with right now, and it sucks. It makes it hard some days for me to function outside the basics. How am I suppose to do well on weight watchers, when I can’t find that voice inside of me. The one that says “STFU all you other voices, I’m in charge now!”. Where are you? Where are you hiding? I know it’s in here somewhere, I just need to find out where and how to get him out again. I will though, I have to because what other option do I really have?

This is a journey, I just wish this mountain wasn’t so steep.

Big Boned Biker

Keep Calm, Turn the Page

Paying off your weight debt

Weight loss is paying off a credit card. It is a high interest rate, high limit, and high cost, credit card. All the food that I ate, and sodas I drank. They all got charged on my weight card! I found myself deeply in fat debt, and my credit-health quickly dropping. What does your weight card statement look like?

It sucks, it really sucks paying off debt! It felt so much better when running up the bill! So if you find yourself need some debt relief I have a few tips:

  1. Don’t diet
  2. Don’t focus
  3. Let yourself go
  4. Burn it all

Wait a minute big boned biker, that does NOT sound like a way to lose weight. Yet, it is! Let’s take it step by step.

  1. Don’t Diet

    I don’t diet, and I never will! If you diet all you think about is everything that you have been told you can’t eat. Many diets have “cheat days”, you know why? Because you generally can’t live that way long term. Also, who are you cheating on your cheat days? You can’t ever cheat the scale, you can’t even bribe it (trust me I tried). What I do is “livet” not diet. A livet means I can live this lifestyle, I am not depriving myself of the things I want, I am only changing the amounts of those things. A wise man I knew(he was a teacher even) told me this “You said never diet, never do anything that makes you die!”.

  1. Don’t focus
    Don’t focus on loosing weight, it’s like waiting for a pot of water to boil. Don’t focus on the road ahead, it can seem like long ways to go. Focus on the baby steps, if you don’t drink much water, increase it 1 cup a day. Got that down? Lets work on 2 cups etc. Do it at a pace you can maintain.
  2. Let yourself go

    Wait, isn’t that how I got here in the first place? Wrong kind of letting go. You need to let yourself go, your old self. The new you is coming! I held on to my 4-6xl clothes even when I was down in a 2xl. The old “what if” was always lurking in my mind. It was my safety net, it let me know I could get heavier and not be naked. I finally packed the all up and gave them away. It felt bittersweet, I felt amazing that I knew I would NEVER wear that size again, and sad that I gave them to someone else that needed it. Don’t hold on to that old you, as amazing as they were, the new you will be even greater!

  3. Burn it all
    The inner pyro in you is thinking this must be related to the clothing, right? This is the most simple and the hardest part. Weight loss is paying off that debt, which means burning those calories. Find away to be aware of your intake, in a way that works for you. I use weight watchers, and my fitbit. There are plenty of other ways to do it as well. If nothing else, pencil and paper. If you don’t know the calories, what I always do is find something similar and add 100 to be safe. Exercise is important, but remember, and this is really key, you can NOT work off a bad diet. Never! The importance of exercise is that it helps keep your metabolism going, and helps you burn them more effectively.

Inspiration comes from outside, but motivation comes from within. You have the power to change yourself, and no one else can do it for you. You are worth it, and deserve it! Don’t focus on the year, the month, the week, or even the day. Take it one bite at a time and you will find yourself moving down the road.

Keep On Rolling,

Big Boned Biker

 

p.s. I wonder who this guy could be?

http://www.nwitimes.com/business/healthcare/portage-man-loses-pounds-the-old-fashioned-way-through-diet/article_9bf7006f-add6-583e-aef9-d941a99153d0.html

Day 7/30

I have been on weight watchers for a long time now, yet sometimes I still find little “surprises” in my tracker. Here is how I thought my day would be today :

weight watchers food logging
What I thought it was…

Nice and sensible, I even talked my wife into getting one! I must say I love the Egg White Veggie Wrap, and for 4 points I usually get two of them. A few hours later my wife texts me, turns out I was ordering the FLATBREAD not the wrap. CRAP! UGH! ARGH!  How could I be so idiotic? I have been eating this for 6 months now and never made sure I was tracking the right freaking thing. My wife told me to not worry, learn from it and move on. I DON’T WANT TO JUST MOVE ON! I wanna go cry in my pillow and scream out my frustration. I have been saying “track it and move on” to much lately and the scale is showing me. After a bit though I calmed down, looked at my tracker, and started to learn.

The reason this had me so pissed off though, is because  I had  my day worked out already! I had even earned about 6 activity points. My goal for the week is to use no weeklies/Activity points, but that was becoming a bust on day one. You see, I am a creature of habit, every Wednesday I order the same meal, I order it the same way, and even tend to sit in the same spot. However, I had to change it today and drop the chips, and still digging 3 points into my weeklies. *argh* I will not let this get me down though, and will just keep pushing forward! I won’t be weighing in officially for the rest of this year due to schedule but will still be doing it at home. Based on that I was down #3.4!

So here is how my day ended up:

Showing my food log as a way of sharing my experince.
…what it really was!

Day 4/30

Burn baby burn….had a great workout tonight, though I wish I knew how far/fast I was going. I have a bike computer on my bike but it runs off the front wheel sadly. Today was pretty good, went and visited a friends church, lazed around the house, just a nice chill-axing Sunday. We had dinner planned out, baked bbq pork chops, mashed potatoes, fresh broccoli(for steaming). When I went to cook it though is when it all flew down hill. The pork chops were thicker than I had thought they were, so they did cook right. This lead us to order out for dinner…and the tracker will tell the rest of the story.

Trigger Foods

 

I wasn’t going to post this, I realized how easy it would be for me to fake it, none of you would ever know! I honestly feel ashamed to post this, which despite how it may seem, isn’t want this is about. I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for change in myself. Right now, this moment, will stay etched in my mind. I don’t like this feeling, the food wasn’t that good, it wasn’t amazing, it is NOT worth feeling this shame, regret, and tummy ache(can you tell I have kids?).

 

 

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day 4 of 30 in the food log challenge
Day 4/30

 

Keep Calm, Turn the Page