Ugh, stress hit me bad yesterday. I ended up eating those feelings, and it turns out that the feelings didn’t go away.
Here is day 6/30
Burn baby burn….had a great workout tonight, though I wish I knew how far/fast I was going. I have a bike computer on my bike but it runs off the front wheel sadly. Today was pretty good, went and visited a friends church, lazed around the house, just a nice chill-axing Sunday. We had dinner planned out, baked bbq pork chops, mashed potatoes, fresh broccoli(for steaming). When I went to cook it though is when it all flew down hill. The pork chops were thicker than I had thought they were, so they did cook right. This lead us to order out for dinner…and the tracker will tell the rest of the story.
I wasn’t going to post this, I realized how easy it would be for me to fake it, none of you would ever know! I honestly feel ashamed to post this, which despite how it may seem, isn’t want this is about. I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for change in myself. Right now, this moment, will stay etched in my mind. I don’t like this feeling, the food wasn’t that good, it wasn’t amazing, it is NOT worth feeling this shame, regret, and tummy ache(can you tell I have kids?).
This last week sucked, it just plain sucked! Actually, the last two weeks suck, because of traveling back to Platteville I ended up going negative on my points each week. We also didn’t get to weigh in the one week, and so when weigh in came on this past Saturday it was welcomed. What made these past weeks all the worse was the weather, cold, rainy, and just plain yucky. Despite my manly persona, sometimes I can be rather wimpy. The truth is I let it be an easy excuse not to go out riding, and those week showed it. I have been grumpy, depressed, hungry, and rather snappy at those near me. So to everyone who had to deal with me I apologize, it wasn’t you, it really was me. I find myself needing to vent about this so, since this is my blog I will do as such.
I ate and ate and ate and ate and ate..I DID track, but that is me only half-assing it. I found myself hungry even though i had already ate a decent sized meal. Nothing could sedate my hunger some days, leaving me feeling worse and worse. I tried hard to not feel guilty about my choices, but after 2 slices of pizza, a waffle cone, bag of popcorn, and some Chinese food(all in one meal) it is difficult thing to do. I know what was causing the hunger and right now i don’t wish to share publicly. I know some of you are thinking “but you share so much!”, but sometimes even I want to keep somethings to myself.
I walked up to the scale on 05/03/2014 with a weird mix of feelings, knowing what my fate was gave me a sense of relaxation. I accepted what was coming, the gain that would be showing on the scale. I needed this, oh lord did I need this! Just like getting baptized, I felt that this weigh in would wash my last two weeks away. I would feel “redeemed” so to speak, and free to move on! I also felt a feeling of dread, I was about to have my sentence passed down from the “judge”. As the scale sent me it’s metallic stare, it seemed to scan me for a sign of remorse for my deeds, for that second piece of pizza or that waffle cone. It knew, it knew all my dirty little eating secrets! How can you feel judged and set free at the same time? I have no clue, but that is how I felt.
“So how was your week?”, ahh yes the standard question from the lady behind the scale. How was my week? I could lie, but why? I weighed myself at home before I left and a 3 pound gain can be hard to hide. I could laugh it off, hahaha I ate a horse! Did you hear about those sheep that went missing? It really does take three little piggies to make a piggy pie! I don’t know what good that will do though, if anything it makes it seems like I simply don’t care anymore. Do I care anymore? There was a day that I hit my “limit” and was done with the it all. I told my wife, I am through with it all, screw this all! Yet, I knew I couldn’t quit, and I didn’t want it to seem like I did. So, I could be honest? Hey, I ate like a pig and didn’t practice what I preach. You know those anchors? I cut the line and let them sink! I am nothing but a fat fat fatty hypocrite, a fruad and a flim flam. Maybe I should just not say anything, step on the scale and, face it with a cold glare.
Which am I? The lier, the joker, the truth-teller, the brick wall? That moment seemed to last a lifetime, I knew what I was going to do and didn’t like it one bit. I looked her in the eye and said “it was a bad week, I went negative on my points and made poor choices”. Did I feel like the liar, hypocrite, and a fraud? Yup! I didn’t let that stop me though, because I know that those aren’t true. I am simply a human being who has ups and downs. Much to my surprise(ok not really) she didn’t judge me! I love the fact that weigh in is a judgment free zone, I don’t have to worry about disappointing looks or remarks.
I stood holding my breath, almost afraid to look at the scale, the feeling of redemption came back over me. It didn’t matter what the scale said, and I won’t tell you if you ask. I felt a sense of renewed vigor, this coming week will be my best week in a long time! I am focused and driven, I want my next goal. I can TASTE my next goal, and it tastes better than any thing I have ever ate before! Have you ever had one of those moments? The moment when you realize that you could smack down a linebacker if he got in your way! That is me right now, I am on fire and nothing will put me out.
So if I have a gain next week, will that stop me? Really, did you not just read the above? I will not be stopped, if you fall down 6 times you get up 7. So yesterday you know what I did after lunch? I took my oldest boy on a 30 mile bike ride. Semi-loaded my panniers and hooked Katrina up to Bullseye, taking off for parts unknown. We even did some “off roading” for a bit, going through some water puddles. By the way, FYI, those trailers do not have the same clearance as your bike. Lucky it just soaked his feet and he had the good sense to pick his feet up when he felt them getting wet.
Moral of the story, you tell me…
Keep on rolling,
Does this look familiar _____________________________________________________________?
It is a plateau, when your weight loss seems to stall out and you just kinda sit there for awhile. I have been going through one for a bit though still relativity loosing, my losses amount to an average of .8 a week. Sick and tired of it, but I know what causes it. I just didn’t have the fight in me. I have been pretty emotionally drained lately, with the new baby, upcoming move, and a waaaaaay to long winter. I just lost the fire for awhile.
Two weeks ago I got sick, and it was ugly. I was in bed for about 2 ½ days which also meant I wasn’t eating much. That weeks weigh in was one of my best in awhile a 4.6 pound loss! I can’t really count it though right? It came from being sick, and I know it won’t last. Going into the next week I was pretty sure I was going to have a gain. I realized though, I don’t HAVE to have a gain. What a novel idea eh? I could still have a loss, but it means I would need to knuckle down.
I hit the gym for 6 hours a day everyday, eating nothing but carrots and beef jerky! Fine, I didn’t do that, but I can imagine I did right? I actually didn’t make it to the gym at all, but I did find time to do some activity at home. It is amazing the little things that you can do, that add up to big things. I decided to write out a list of things I can do at home, that may not seem like much by themselves.
Push-ups(ten at a time, done 10 times through out the day)
Laundry lunge(taking the laundry basket and making BIG steps with it around the house a few times)
Stairs(up and down the stairs 5x in a row spread, continue throughout the day)
Toddler lifts(picking up my son from the ground and swinging him up into the air, and back down again..go until you think he might puke)
Clean the floor(take a sponge and wash the floor by hand)
Be a horse(have my toddler ride me around the house while I get some exercise in)
Packing(moving boxes as you pack)
This isn’t an all inclusive list, but just some ideas. The nice part about this list is that I can do them on days I can’t get to the gym. Also, my son loves doing some of them with me, though he tends to more mock me as I try for the push-ups. Activity is all around us if we choose to find it.
Lecture over, moving right along…
I got to ride Katrina the other day!!!!!! It was a very short 4 mile ride, I took her back to the bike shop to get a few adjustments done. I can’t remember if I mentioned it or not, but I had a new crankset installed. For those that wish to know it is a 22/32/42 from a 28/38/48. In human speak it means less “power” but easier to spin, useful on those BBBEH(big bad biker eating hills). As many of you know, I hate driving my car, hate hate hate it. So when I have a fully loaded trailer with me, this will make those hills manageable. It also means I loose some of my “top end speed”, but a brick ain’t made to go fast right? I plan to put up a review on it next month when I get to try it out a bit more..
I am still trying to raise money for my bike tour(you can donate here), though with the upcoming move and my wife’s new job, I may have to put it off one more year. I will still be trying to get a short weekend tour in though, and it will be awesome none the less!
In a final note here, as I am sure this seems more like a jumbled mess than a blog post, I have some awesome news. As of last week I, the Big Boned Biker, am no longer Morbidly Obese…yup I just be severely Obese(or still fat to the layperson). I didn’t even notice it until I went to enter in my weight for my BMI chart that I keep, kind of a cool feeling. I should also add I was able to pull out a loss this week, taking me over the 50# hump. I don’t remember the last time I was this small, and onederland seems so much closer now. My yearly photo is coming up in 7 days, and I can’t wait to see the side by side! I even found a pair of my old pants, I think a 58” waist!
Forgive me if I don’t post much in the interim, but with this move I will be a bit lacking in the time area. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear about some of the exercises you are finding to do around the house/office, please share in the comment section!
Keep on rolling,
Big Boned Biker
Sorry for the delay in the update but have been busy with life.
My brother was in town visiting, and we had a great time going for a bike ride. I really give him props as he is from Florida, the land where flat was born. He still did his best on our hills out here, and ended up with about 13 miles! Also considering he does not ride regularly it is even more an accomplishment!
So lets look back on how I mentioned those shoes fit….they still fit but I have not been wearing them for awhile. Why? They caused me to have 2 falls on the same day! I was at stop signs and my feet simply would not come loose from the pedals. Imagine for yourself, a rather large man sitting on a bicycle, flapping his arms like wings. He hopes to fly as he, in slow motion, falls towards the ground. His pride lays broken on the ground as he examines his bike to make sure it is ok. Fast forward to about 10 minuets later and repeat. I was very lucky with no major injuries to Katrina nor myself. I was worried as I fell once on each side, and I didn’t want to damage the rear derailleur.
So the voters have spoken and my new goal for next year will be 1200 miles, or 100 miles per month. I am excited to meet that goal next year, and have full faith I will! I know to most cyclist 500 miles does not seem like much, but it still blows my mind. I think even more so because all of last year I think I did about 60ish. Feels like I can do anything, like I am superman, well anything but fly as I fall to the ground on my bike.
So how was today? Ok, went to da big city and got measured for a new bike seat. Seems my butt has shrunk along with the rest of me. I can now use a more “normal” size saddle with a 165 measurement, which makes me happy as the saddle I really want will work! It will be awhile till I have the $$ to buy a new one though. Went and bought some baby clothes, my wife had a fun time with that I think. For lunch I did subway, and I have to thank my anchor and my rock, my wife. I really wanted to just get a foot long sub, but she convinced me that I would be happy with a 6”. She(as most times) was right, and the 6” was just perfect. Dinner on the other hand was not such a success. We went to my favorite restaurant in that town, Longhorn Steakhouse. I wanted to get a nice ribeye, but ended up going with a 8oz sirloin. I skipped the bread and had a salad with a baked potato for my sides. Great choices, and well within my points, in fact I had an extra 16! I decided to get a dessert and this is where the meal went south. I wanted some chocolate, and the “Stampede” looked like just the ticket. I knew it would be a lot of points, but could not find it on the weight watchers app. I found something I thought was similar and tracked it. When the beast arrived I was shocked at the size of it! Two HUGE pieces of this moose and chocolate type of cake, and 2 large scoops of ice cream. Sadly, before I could stop myself I ate half of it. I was in a daze, and had a bit of a “black out”. When I got home I decided to google the nutrtion information, and here is what I found:
calories fat s. fat sodium Carbs
|Chocolate Stampede (Serves 2)||2180||131||73||760||229|
Came out to 59 points!!!!!! WTF!! So for my entire day I ended up using 74 points for the day, I am given only 59.
Not to long ago, with a day like this I would be wanting to give up. Why continue since I apparently have not changed my eating habits? I am just going to gain all the weight back, as this is proof. Now however, I can look at this for what it is, ONE bad day. Tomorrow is a bright and new! Katrina will be waiting for me, and we will try to have a great adventure!
So remember, every meal is a new meal, every day a new day, and no matter how bad it was we get to restart at any time!
Keep on rolling!
Big Boned Biker
Some great news to share today…finally hit below 300 pounds. 295.6 is what I weighed in at tonight, this is the first time in 6 years since I have been this low. It still has not sunk in that I can tell people I weigh a weight with a 2 in front of it. As a reward the even gave me a really nice water bottle with an insulator cover. It will be great for some more bike riding, going to fill it up with ice to refill my bottle as I ride.
Katrina had some mechanical trouble yesterday though, involving her rear derailer. I am happy to report I was able to fix it myself. It was a very rewarding feeling doing my own work on her, as opposed to paying someone else $ for 5 min. of their time.
Not much else to write right now, please consider donating to my bike tour fund every dollar helps!
Www.gofundme.com/bigbonedbiker hoping to make this dream a reality.
Keep on rolling,
Big Boned Biker