When you try and be fancy and screw up dinner. Yeah, that was me last night. It totally messed me up, and I went off the rails last night. That’s not true. We went out to Applebee’s, and since we don’t have the kids this week, it was just my wife and I. Which means I COULD have made the choice to order some healthy options, there are plenty available where we went. I had no kids rushing me to order quickly, I had time to think through what I should order. Instead, I ordered a creamy pasta dish, with onion rings as an appetizer. It would be so easy to blame it all on messing up dinner but the reality is that isn’t what messed me up. I messed me up, I made the choice, and I need to take responsibility for it.
About 3 weeks ago I finally hit below 300! I was ecstatic to say the least! However, in the last 3 weeks I have gained it all back. I don’t know why but I have been struggling hard core lately. I have talked about it with a few close friends, and the only thing we can think of is that I am afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid of success, afraid of letting people down. How can I do so well, just to throw it all away? Where do I go from here?
As I sit here writing this I feel the ache of depressing settling in on my heart. I KNOW what to do, I could do the program blindfolded. Yet, when it comes time to follow it, I am hesitant, I am afraid, I am weak. I’ve lost my spark.
When I set out to write this post it was going to be something else all together, something positive and uplifting. But, I make it a point to be honest on this blog, and life isn’t all sunshine and daffodils. It’s messy, gooey, smelly and just plan dirty sometimes. This is just a bump in the road, I will find my spark again, I am confident of that. Every cloud has a silver lining, sometimes it just takes awhile to find it.
Thinking about it, perhaps I just need to learn to not be afraid of the fear. I need to embrace the worries that I am having, instead of trying to run away from them. I’m not solving anything by hiding them away under a pile of food, I need to focus on working through them. Baby steps…
Keep On Rolling,
Big Boned Biker
I was called a name today, some thing that really strikes me to the core. It honestly was a name I had heard before, but had been able to always shrug off. This time however, it really got to me. How could someone call me it? Even better, WHY would they? I never understood, and I am not sure if I ever will.
The labels we use towards people are, in my opinion, hard wired into us. We LIKE to label, we like to organize, categorize, and put things where they go. We call someone a bitch, so we can put them in the bitch box, or we call someone a fat-hole, so we can label them as such. Nice neat little boxes for everyone and every thing. After all everything must have a name and everything must a have a place. The name I was called though, puts me in a category that really bothers me, even though it shouldn’t.
The name I was called? I was called a “friend”! My first thought is, they know me right? They must be mistaken, I don’t make friends. In fact, I am 199% sure I just annoy everyone, and they simply put up with me, hoping I will leave soon. I am talkative, opinionated, fat, and rather annoying in general. Still people keep calling me that name! Trying to label me and put me in a box.
I will impersonate a child, a boy, about 10 years of age. The setting, mid 90’s in central Florida, suburban area. This child, being overly hyper often found himself in trouble during school. Due to this trouble he was placed in a separate class for other similar children. Think of it as a jail for school kids, with all the “bad” kids lumped together. In this class our character, frank, was not well liked, teased and bullied everyday. One day another boy in the class, Peter, came up to befriend frank! Despite being mocked and bullied by Peter in the past, frank accepted this friendship. Frank told himself that people change and maybe it was finally time for him to have friends.
They talked often, and soon Frank found out that Peter lived in the same sub-division! Peter invited him over one afternoon to play some video games and hang out. Frank was excited, no one ever ever ever invited him to do things! In fact one year no one even showed up for his birthday party, but that is a different story. Frank got on his bike and started off towards Peters house, but being out of shape it took him a little longer to get there. Arriving out of breath near his house, he got of his bike and started looking for the house number.
“Hey Fat Fucker!” Frank heard Peter yell. Turning towards the noise he saw a group of boys in from of a garage, laughing and pointing at him. In the center stood Peter, his hand clutched something, and soon Frank was going to find out what it was. As Peter started walking towards him, he brought up to his shoulder the item he was carrying, a lead pipe.
“Hey look, fatty showed up! Perhaps we should beat the fat out of him?”
What happened next though was not to be expected. Instead of running away, like most people would, Frank started walking towards him. “Bring it on!” he shouted. Peter was shocked and stood still. Frank had about double the weight on him, and perhaps the lead pipe didn’t seem like such a good idea. Peter started backing up, Frank kept coming a bit closer.
“You want to start something? I WILL finish it, now let me leave or else!” Frank shouted with a commanding tone.
Peter and his crew decided that today wasn’t a good day to “die” and all went back into the garage. Frank got back on his bike and started home. Yet before he got home he stopped by and empty playground. Dropping his bike to the ground he went and sat next to a near by tree, and cried. He realized, from that day forward, no body could REALLY be his friend. NOBODY EVER!
Thus ends the sad tale of Frank, whom in case you didn’t know was really me. So when people call me friend, it is always hard for me to accept it, and I struggle when it seems that so many people actually like me. Though slowly, I will learn that they mean it, and to accept it.
Normally I don’t post twice in one day but today is different.
So today I finally decided to clean out the garage and move the car out for the year. I have been wanting to do this for awhile, as it signals the start of spring for me. It went great and I love having my bike area for Katrina. I also decided to FINALLY set up my Burly(bike trailer for kids to ride in), that I got last year. Thanks to the joys of youtube I had no problems figuring it out, and took it out for a quick test run. I thought it would be weird to ride with it, but didn’t even notice it was there(although it was empty).
So during this time lil BBB is napping, I finish up head inside and sit down for a few minuets…he wakes up. I deicded since we had everything all setup outside for him he should go play outside. I brought him his helmet(which he LOATHES), when he sees it I brace myself for the screams of “NO HELMET! NO HELMET! DADA NOOOOO!”. “BIKE! AARON BIKE!” WTF!?!? So after story time and some adjustments we have him all set to go. I don’t know why he associates his helmet with a bike as I have never taken him on a bike in his life. After playing with his Thomas Scooter(Thanks Uncle Kevin), and riding his Harley Davidson powerwheel($30 yard sale find), I bring out Katrina and “saddle her up” to the “wagon”. Lil BBB can not wait and starts climbing right on into it. Get him settled/strapped in and take him for a little loop of about .25. I can hear him giggle a little as we go over some bumps. We arrive back at the house and as I am pulling into the drive I hear “AGAIN!” so off we go…wash, rinse, repeat! We did about 4-5 loops lol and he still wanted more! It was getting late and time to start dinner soon though so Katrina went back to her stable. Meanwhile, some Mormons show up and want to talk. Mrs. BBB takes lil BBB into the house while the gentlemen and I have a discussion about biblical type things(I did score a free book of Mormon).
I go back into the house, and the wife lets me know that he has been asking nonstop to go back on the bike(going to have me a riding buddy for sure!). So we deiced to go to the park while mama makes dinner, and he runs back to Katrina. On the ride to the park I had a perfect moment. One of those moments where times stands still, and nothing can ruin it. As I was going along, at a decent pace, not out of breath, I hear him giggling his brains out as we hit a bumpy spot. My heart melted, I just can’t describe the joy/love/peace that I felt at that moment. Someday when I am old and grey I will look back, remember that moment and cry with joy.
The park was fun, and we had a great day….today was a fairytale.
Click the link to see a quick video.