Fear of the Fear

Life is a messy, muddy, and bumpy road.



When you try and be fancy and screw up dinner. Yeah, that was me last night. It totally messed me up, and I went off the rails last night. That’s not true. We went out to Applebee’s, and since we don’t have the kids this week, it was just my wife and I. Which means I COULD have made the choice to order some healthy options, there are plenty available where we went. I had no kids rushing me to order quickly, I had time to think through what I should order. Instead, I ordered a creamy pasta dish, with onion rings as an appetizer. It would be so easy to blame it all on messing up dinner but the reality is that isn’t what messed me up. I messed me up, I made the choice, and I need to take responsibility for it.

About 3 weeks ago I finally hit below 300! I was ecstatic to say the least! However, in the last 3 weeks I have gained it all back. I don’t know why but I have been struggling hard core lately. I have talked about it with a few close friends, and the only thing we can think of is that I am afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid of success, afraid of letting people down. How can I do so well, just to throw it all away? Where do I go from here?

As I sit here writing this I feel the ache of depressing settling in on my heart. I KNOW what to do, I could do the program blindfolded. Yet, when it comes time to follow it, I am hesitant, I am afraid, I am weak. I’ve lost my spark.

When I set out to write this post it was going to be something else all together, something positive and uplifting. But, I make it a point to be honest on this blog, and life isn’t all sunshine and daffodils. It’s messy, gooey, smelly and just plan dirty sometimes. This is just a bump in the road, I will find my spark again, I am confident of that. Every cloud has a silver lining, sometimes it just takes awhile to find it.

Thinking about it, perhaps I just need to learn to not be afraid of the fear. I need to embrace the worries that I am having, instead of trying to run away from them. I’m not solving anything by hiding them away under a pile of food, I need to focus on working through them. Baby steps…

Keep On Rolling,

Big Boned Biker

Rambling 1

So sick of this snow, dear snow, please go! I do not like it when you blow, I do not like you, go snow go!

I am so sick of winter and I want it to be spring! Sadly I don’t think it is up to me, but I still want to voice my thought on the matter! I can’t wait to get outside again, I miss it. Funny thing about me, even though I was very fat and rather lethargic, I have ALWAYS loved being outside. Something about the breeze, the sounds, the smells, nothing compares to it.

I know, I could go outside now, but frankly, it is to cold for me. I really notice my weightloss during the winter because I am freezing all the time. When I was still 430+ pounds I would sleep with the window open for much of the winter, now I get cold just looking at the door.

Another downside to loosing weight is, none of your clothes fit anymore. A long while back I got rid of all of my small stuff below 3xl, because I knew I would never be able to wear them again. :\ Who knew? I buy a few things here and there but I don’t want to really spend much money on clothes that I keep out growing. Speaking of which I have a huge nsv to share from a week or so ago…I bought clothes at Old Navy! I have never been able to shop at that store before, it was fun being able to try on clothes and realize I didn’t need the biggest sizes. I ended up with a new workout shirt and a fun batman shirt. I always wanted more “fun” shirts, but fat man clothing is rather boring, as my wife will attest to. Sure you have your Hawaiian shirts, or sometimes a out of style graphic shirt, but real cool/fun ones are hard to find. 90% of my wardrobe was consisting of polo shirts. The other 10% was plain colored t-shirts. Fun eh?

It is fun being a smaller size though, kind of feels like a badge of pride when I don my new shirts. Coming from needing 6xl to buying 1xl(though I am in between 2xl and 1xl), it is mind blowing. In March I will take my new photo with Katrina, in that old green shirt that I had. I am actually very excited to put the pictures side by side and see the difference. Is that prideful? Likely. Do I care? Nope! I earned it, and am proud of it. I’m sexy and I know it!

I promise not to do the wiggle dance…1

So to wrap it up let me tell you about the amazing dinner I had tonight, Lasagna rolls! Here is the recipe, . These things are amazing, and I paired it off with a light Caesar salad. Yum! One nice thing about this meal is that the left overs keep well for the next day! I love to try new meals, keeps things “fresh” and helps me stay on track. 🙂

Alright, I will call it a night, sorry if my post seemed a bit “everywhere” tonight, but helps clear my mind sometimes.

Keep On Rolling,