Fear of the Fear

Life is a messy, muddy, and bumpy road.

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When you try and be fancy and screw up dinner. Yeah, that was me last night. It totally messed me up, and I went off the rails last night. That’s not true. We went out to Applebee’s, and since we don’t have the kids this week, it was just my wife and I. Which means I COULD have made the choice to order some healthy options, there are plenty available where we went. I had no kids rushing me to order quickly, I had time to think through what I should order. Instead, I ordered a creamy pasta dish, with onion rings as an appetizer. It would be so easy to blame it all on messing up dinner but the reality is that isn’t what messed me up. I messed me up, I made the choice, and I need to take responsibility for it.

About 3 weeks ago I finally hit below 300! I was ecstatic to say the least! However, in the last 3 weeks I have gained it all back. I don’t know why but I have been struggling hard core lately. I have talked about it with a few close friends, and the only thing we can think of is that I am afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid of success, afraid of letting people down. How can I do so well, just to throw it all away? Where do I go from here?

As I sit here writing this I feel the ache of depressing settling in on my heart. I KNOW what to do, I could do the program blindfolded. Yet, when it comes time to follow it, I am hesitant, I am afraid, I am weak. I’ve lost my spark.

When I set out to write this post it was going to be something else all together, something positive and uplifting. But, I make it a point to be honest on this blog, and life isn’t all sunshine and daffodils. It’s messy, gooey, smelly and just plan dirty sometimes. This is just a bump in the road, I will find my spark again, I am confident of that. Every cloud has a silver lining, sometimes it just takes awhile to find it.

Thinking about it, perhaps I just need to learn to not be afraid of the fear. I need to embrace the worries that I am having, instead of trying to run away from them. I’m not solving anything by hiding them away under a pile of food, I need to focus on working through them. Baby steps…

Keep On Rolling,

Big Boned Biker

Back to the M

So I know I have not posted much lately but been busy yo! I have been trying my best to use Katrina as much as I can lately, even ran some errands the other day! Yesterday I was suppose to go riding with my brother who is in town visiting but it didn’t work out. Instead, I decided I would go on my own ride out to the M again. Remember back a few posts ago when I talked about “fuel” for your bike? I decided I would bring a picnic lunch this time, and had about a half full water bottle. BIG MISTAKE! Water ran out(was rather hot out), and do to the fact I had a light breakfast, I almost passed out. I hit the bottom of a hill, and I lost ALL energy. The bad thing about that happening at the bottom of the hills around here was that it was uphill any way I went. So I pushed on, and some how I made it to the M(had about 3 BBBEH’s to deal with). My entire body was shaking, and I could hardly walk to the picnic bench to sit down. I took out the “lunch” I brought and realized 1 uncrustable and a fiber one bar maybe wasn’t the best choice. I drank my water but it ran out to quickly with no where around to fill it up. I truly debated about having someone come pick me up, but instead I wait about a half hour, at which time I felt more prepared for the ride home. The ONLY thing that save me was the fact that it was more downhill on the way home. When I got home, I was so exhausted that I even had to take about a 45 min nap.

 

This morning, the weather is great and lil BBB had to go to “school”. After yesterday’s ordeal I decided that maybe I would just drive him, but I changed my mind so we road to school. I am learning some valuable lessons on what my body really needs, and doesn’t need. I have almost completely quit drinking soda(impart due to the fact my wife can’t drink any now). I must say, it is very refreshing feeling as well, my body feels “healthier” even.

Well, I am off to go work on Katrina for a bit, the chain came off and feels weird this morning.

 

BBB

Fat man don’t roll up hills

I did NOT want to go out this evening after the dinner I ate..but I realized that it had been awhile since I last rode. Omg did I feel it! Decided to explore and try a new route and ended up getting lost and found myself at the bottom of a big hill..I made it over half way up so I was proud of myself, but realized I was lost and it took me about 5 min to figure out where I was……long story short only did about 1.5in 20 mins 😦 but learned I need to be more consistent about going out to ride.