I took a shower today, isn’t that nice to know? Well I kind of took two showers today, the first when my youngest son spewed milk all over me(covering my entire body in it), and the second one that followed. My wife finds it funny, but I would rather be covered in barf than to listen/watch her suction buggers out of his nose. I hear that a milk bath is good for the skin though…but I digress.
The downside to having such young kids is that it has been hard to get to the gym this week. I did manage to go once, but have not been back yet. As many of you know, I am not shaving till I hit under 260# lost. Last week I weighed in at 260.8, which is right on par for me as I always miss my goals by a pound or less. I think it put me a bit on my laurels thinking that it shouldn’t be an issue to loose that pound. Dangerous thinking, one that I recommend everyone watches out for!
I don’t know what the outcome will be tomorrow, my home scale fluctuates so much from right on to +10! I always think of one thing before I step on the scale, something that I can be happy about even if I don’t like that number. This week though, I have been struggling to think of what that could be. I haven’t been out of the house much thanks to this polar vortex, no nsv’s, and my life has been pretty boring. Sure I could go with “I have a healthy family”, but I want something more. What could I pick?
It hit me tonight, after watching the biggest looser I decided to try and do some push ups. I can do 10 comfortably and decided I would push for 12. It didn’t happen, but when I looked down I saw this sack hanging below me. A big old sack of skin, and realized it was all the extra skin(and some fat) hanging down! I could see the contours of my new “belly” all around it and it just hung there. It was a real eye opener and reminded me of just how far I have come. So this week, my happy thought is that I have a sack of skin hanging down. I hope I didn’t ruin your appetite with that one, but if I did I am sorry.
On a plus side, my depression has been getting better, with every day of winter spring is one day closer, right? Though I am very pissed at my sisters family/my mom, who are down in Florida right now! -30* and they are in the sunshine state! I hate you all with a frozen passion lol!
Been working on figuring out things for my bike tour, I have been mainly trying to figure out gear I can make instead of buy. I have an upcoming project I plan to blog about with making my own camping stove! I get a great satisfaction when I make things with my own hands, and they work, makes you feel “real” in a sense.
Don’t have much else to report, hoping the WI goes well tomorrow, wish me some happy helium thoughts if you can!
A quick tip before I go: You are not fat, only your body is!
Keep On Rolling,
Big Boned Biker
If anyone would like to help donate towards my bike tour you can do so at http://www.gofundme.com/bigbonedbiker every bit helps, thanks!
My weight loss has been going slow, I know it is because of the weather and the lack of exercising. I find that I really don’t like the videos, I do better when I have to go somewhere to do my workout, maybe it is the commitment level involved?
So I have joined a gym! I have had to workouts so far and it felt nice to get my sweat on! I was nervous at what my “fitness level” would be like, but I am finding myself preforming well. Though it is not the same level that it had been, it isn’t to far off. I was able to still run for about 2.5 min sprints with 1-2 min breaks. So not to bad in my book, considering I have not done much workouts in a few months.
I actually took the bike today to the gym, and what a mistake that was. I ended up getting a flat on the way home! Luckily I have my spare tube with me..for my other bike. No biggie, I have a patch kit! Great, but I don’t have my pump! Wasn’t to bad ended up walking about 3/4th of a mile, but after a pretty intense workout, I was feeling it.
So not to much to update with, the boys are both doing great, big brother is being an awesome handy helper.
This is the Big Boned Biker, and keep on rolling!
Actually, no I am not done yet, I feel like I have more to share, though struggling how to put it into words.
I am frustrated, the weight loss slowing down is frustrating me! I KNEW it would slow down as I lost weight, but I loved seeing those big losses. Last week I had a small gain of .8, and for the first time regained a point. It hit me hard, and the first thought I had was a nice fresh dunkin’ donuts 12 pack. Mmmm the comfort of food! The second thought I had was that a dozen donuts won’t help the situation. It sounded good, and I really wanted it! So, my mind made some great excuses up, “I am not really doing this because I feel sad, I just want some donuts” or “I have all my weeklies back so it is ok, because you can eat ANYTHING on weight watchers!”. I thought about it, I really really thought about it. As I left the meeting(didn’t feel like staying for it as they have been about the new simple start this month), I got into my car, drove down the street to the intersection. Left is subway(which is our typical Wed. night dinner), right is towards dunkin.
I had a choice to make, a big one. If I gave into my emotions, I knew it would cascade and make things worse. Food was my drug of choice, and I could taste it already. I hit my blinker and turned to the left. Yes the left, I had made a less regrettable choice. Why though? As I pulled into subway, I thought about that question. I asked myself the better question, why was I really craving those donuts?
The answer is deeper than a simple gain on the scale. The last few months have been tough on me, and depressing. Do to a medical condition I have, things felt like they were simply compounding on each other. The stress of finances, babies, weight loss, my business. All these things, amplified by my condition, had left me in a vulnerable state. I realized I have been very depressed, and had not even realized it. In fact, as I am writing this, I am still feeling that way (though I know many people will want to write “it will be ok messages” please don’t). The emptiness was needing filling! So when I had that gain, it was just to much, when I lost that point it was even worse. So why did I turn left?
Have you figured it out yet? It is a simple answer, much simpler then I wanted it to be. Many people who deal with depressive states might know why I turned left. The reason I turned left is because I always turn left. It was autopilot kicking in! I have been conditioning myself to make positive choices for my health. I have been training, like an athlete, to make healthy choices in my life. So when I felt like this, my training kicked in, it KNEW the choices I really wanted to make!!
Who has watched the movie “Yes man”? If you haven’t, you need to watch it. You start out making positive choices because you have to, but soon you find yourself making those choices because you WANT to. So does that mean I don’t struggle anymore? No, it means that I am learning and making long term changes. I will still struggle and make regrettable choices, but in the long run I know I will make more positive ones.
Keep on rolling,
Big Boned Biker
So much has gone on, the last week or so, I don’t think I will ever be the same. In fact, I KNOW I will never be the same. I suppose though, I should start at the beginning, as most good stories do, in a hole in the ground…wait that was the Hobbit.
The last week or so has been a major struggle, I have been feeling very down and not being able to go to the gym hasn’t helped. I feel often that I have let myself down, because I had this grand idea of snow flying behind my bike as I trekked across town on my bike. The reality has been that it is to damn cold! I use to handle cold well, in fact I use to love it! I was always so warm/insulated, kinda like a walrus I suppose, that the cold winter wind felt brisk and energizing on my skin. Now, it makes my bones hurt, literally, it has been very unpleasant. I was able to get out for a short ride a bit back, about 6-7 miles, when the weather warmed up into the 40’s.
So jump forward a bit, I have not been doing well on weigh in’s as of late, not gaining but not really loosing much. I know it is because of the lack of exercise, which is frustrating. Yes, I could work out at home with videos, but I frankly find them quickly boring. I have also been finding myself being VERY hungry lately. The type of hungry where you just want to save time and eat the entire fridge whole. I don’t know why I have been so hungry, but I have a theory on it. My theory is that because I have been getting less sleep, my body is trying to make up that energy by eating more food. It says “hey we are sleepy and lethargic! We MUST need more food!”, which in turn makes me want to eat, and when I eat more then I should I don’t loose much weight. I am hoping once I can start getting more sleep again, things will get better. On the one plus side (or is it minus?), I received a new coat for Christmas from Mrs. BBB…it was a 1xl. It also, FITS! I went from a near 6xl when I started this journey. Ok, back to our story….
I don’t know how sleep is going to be though, because on the third(01/03/14) at 5:12 am, my life has been changed again…with Lil BBB number 2 arriving on the scene! It is amazing, and I feel blessed having been there to see him born. I was there when my first son was born, and I remember how long it took, it was also a much longer “pushing time”. This time, he almost slid right out of there! The doctor didn’t even have time to arrive, and the nurse ended up doing the delivery. It made me think about how things can be so different yet so much the same. I couldn’t help but look up a photo from when my first son was born, and compare it to a photo of my second sons birth. I wonder if the person in the second picture is really me? How could I be THAT guy, I look skinny/healthy!?!? No number one, that must be me, because I can’t have changed so much. Yet, here I am, that healthy looking guy! Not perfect, and still have a longways to go, but still healthy looking.
The man in that first picture, he doesn’t look like he has many years left does he? Can you see the heart attack coming? I doubt that man will see the birth of another child! The man in that second picture, looks like someone who has a lifetime to spend with his growing family. Can you see the wonderful seasons yet to be? The running through fields in summer, the snow ball fights in winter, the hiking in the fall? Can this be the same man from the first picture? Am I the same man? Am I he, and is he me?
I am not that man, that man is dead. He didn’t survive to see the creation of this new life, he didn’t survive to play with his kids on the living room floor. He died, but like a phoenix, I was reborn of the ashes. A new man that sits here, having shed the skin of the beast that I was. I have not just lost #165, I have GAINED a new life, and a new mindset on life. I use to live with the knowledge that I would be dead soon, now I live with the knowledge that I get to see my children grow! I GET TO SEE MY CHILDREN GROW! I have tears in my eyes as I type this, because I almost died with that “other man”. I almost shared that grave with him, in that lonely dark place he lived. There but for the grace of G/D WENT I!
I have a lot of people tell me that they get a lot of inspiration from this blog, when I hear that it makes me happy. If you look at a photo of yourself, and can honestly say “that person doesn’t have long to live”. I want you to die, yes, die! I want you to die, and be reborn as something wonderful and new! I want you to leave that person, and become the person that has a lifetime to live. You CAN do it! Even the smallest baby step forward, is progress forward. I want you to know, that deep down, below all that self-doubt, there is a person who can do it.
My “door” is always open, if you have any questions or need to talk… Here is my Facebook you can message me there any time!
“If you can’t fly, run! If you can’t run, walk! If you can’t walk, crawl! No mater what it takes, keep moving!”
Keep on rolling,
Big Boned Biker