My son was begging me all day to do one thing, care to guess what it was? He wanted to go for a bike ride! I told him no, and no, and no, and no. My ankle is still really hurting and I wish I knew why, but I tried putting some heat on it, to no avail. However, I finally relented and took the boys on a trip in the magic cart (because somehow they almost always magically fall asleep).
It was nice and warm out, not hot, just warm. The bike felt amazing today, she responded like a dream and even pedaling didn’t hurt! As I rode down the path I started to think about somethings that have been on my mind lately. I have been going through a major depressive spell, and it has been sucking the life right out of me. I have been doing a lot of computer gaming lately, and even that isn’t making me happy. Nothing at all is making me happy right now, not even cycling. Depression rips the soul right out of you, it makes you just want to crawl into a hole and hide for the rest of your days. It blows monkey chunks. I remember looking up, and seeing something though, it is my absolute favorite part of the entire Prairie Dune-land trail!
I don’t know why, but this stretch it so amazingly peaceful to me, and brings warm fuzzy thoughts into my mind. Even today, it worked it’s magic on me. I looked over the side of the rails at the grassy area’s below and just felt peaceful, relaxed, and content with everything. I found the bike moving effortlessly along, and a smile slowly crept on my lips. Regrettably though, I couldn’t make it last. When I finally left this part of my ride, happily peddling my way home, the previous feelings and thoughts found their way back into my mind. This time though, they came back stronger and more fierce!
These are the thoughts that are in my mind. Silent to everyone else, screaming at me in my head. This is what I am dealing with right now, and it sucks. It makes it hard some days for me to function outside the basics. How am I suppose to do well on weight watchers, when I can’t find that voice inside of me. The one that says “STFU all you other voices, I’m in charge now!”. Where are you? Where are you hiding? I know it’s in here somewhere, I just need to find out where and how to get him out again. I will though, I have to because what other option do I really have?
This is a journey, I just wish this mountain wasn’t so steep.
Big Boned Biker
I have been writing this post for awhile now, I get a few lines in and delete it. I have been in a bad spot, and just not happy about where I am at with things. I was on some medication that had a side effect of weight gain, and it hit me hard! In 2 months around 30 pounds, but I am finally off of it.
I had hoped/thought that once I was off, things would be fine and the weight would come of quickly. Nope. I can’t seem to refocus on weight watchers, the weight I gained has left me feeling so horrible about myself. I hate that I let myself regain so much weight, even though I know it was a side effect. I feel that I should have been stronger, and I am frankly embarrassed by my new weight. I already lost this weight, I don’t want to do it again! Argh!
I have gotten out biking a few times, but I can tell a difference from last year. I am struggling to do the mileage that I was able to do last spring, which just adds to my shame. Emotionally, I don’t know what to do, I am spinning out of control. This is how it has always been for me when I began to slip of the cliff, though this time one important thing is different. I normally can’t “see” myself doing well, I just see myself gaining hundreds of pounds. This time, I can see myself getting back on track. I can picture myself looking back on this time and the struggle I am facing, and how I was able to turn things around again.
My Action Plan
I am taking a baby step the rest of the week, I am going to get 30 min of some sort of activity in everyday. This could be cleaning the yard (or the house), playing with the kids, riding, learning to dance polka, what ever. It needs to give me a steady elevated heart rate, and I will count it.
I will track, and no “short hand” tracking! I will track it BEFORE I eat it, and not after.
I will talk to those who will help support me, and that I know won’t take my crappy excuses.
I will remind myself, that this isn’t a punishment. This is simply a journey, and just because I took a wrong turn, doesn’t mean I am going to strap c4 explosives to the bottom of the car, drive it towards a cliff at 100mph, and jump out at the last moment in a dramatic slow motion style as the car explodes. Instead, I am going to ask for directions, plug in the gps, and get back on the road.
Signed: Big Boned Biker
I will do my best to keep some updates coming, and don’t forget o check out my Facebook page for more daily activity.
This really is a journey of a 1000 miles, and I’m already taking step number 2!
Keep on rolling!
* I am finishing this up really late, and I hope the writing makes sense *
Saturday, a fellow father and blogger, Oren Miller, passed away from cancer. I knew him as the admin and founder of a Dad Blogger group I am a part of. I never had much one on one talking with him, but still his death hurts. It really really hurts. It hurts more than I “think” it should, I feel like I don’t have the right to feel this way. I feel that I am being selfish in a sense, that this grief shouldn’t belong to me. Yet here I am, crying at my keyboard at 1am, wondering why?
I feel for his children, his wife, and his loved ones. I know exactly how it feels to loose people you love to illnesses that they didn’t deserve. Why can’t all the pedophiles, rapist, and murders get all the cancer? How come it is amazing people like those I have known? WHY?
Since reading this news my eating has gone downhill. Pizza, Chinese, and candy. I haven;t exercised and I feel like crap from doing all this. I need to put the brakes down today. This post is short and to the point, but it is important to me. While it may not “flow” nicely, I am getting these thoughts out,! Letting myself bring back some room for some positive thinking and acting. Everyday is a new day, and a fresh start can happen when ever you wish it.
Keep On Rolling,
Big Boned Biker