Fear of the Fear

Life is a messy, muddy, and bumpy road.

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When you try and be fancy and screw up dinner. Yeah, that was me last night. It totally messed me up, and I went off the rails last night. That’s not true. We went out to Applebee’s, and since we don’t have the kids this week, it was just my wife and I. Which means I COULD have made the choice to order some healthy options, there are plenty available where we went. I had no kids rushing me to order quickly, I had time to think through what I should order. Instead, I ordered a creamy pasta dish, with onion rings as an appetizer. It would be so easy to blame it all on messing up dinner but the reality is that isn’t what messed me up. I messed me up, I made the choice, and I need to take responsibility for it.

About 3 weeks ago I finally hit below 300! I was ecstatic to say the least! However, in the last 3 weeks I have gained it all back. I don’t know why but I have been struggling hard core lately. I have talked about it with a few close friends, and the only thing we can think of is that I am afraid. Afraid of failure, afraid of success, afraid of letting people down. How can I do so well, just to throw it all away? Where do I go from here?

As I sit here writing this I feel the ache of depressing settling in on my heart. I KNOW what to do, I could do the program blindfolded. Yet, when it comes time to follow it, I am hesitant, I am afraid, I am weak. I’ve lost my spark.

When I set out to write this post it was going to be something else all together, something positive and uplifting. But, I make it a point to be honest on this blog, and life isn’t all sunshine and daffodils. It’s messy, gooey, smelly and just plan dirty sometimes. This is just a bump in the road, I will find my spark again, I am confident of that. Every cloud has a silver lining, sometimes it just takes awhile to find it.

Thinking about it, perhaps I just need to learn to not be afraid of the fear. I need to embrace the worries that I am having, instead of trying to run away from them. I’m not solving anything by hiding them away under a pile of food, I need to focus on working through them. Baby steps…

Keep On Rolling,

Big Boned Biker

Type R when you’re ready!

A you ready for the a challenge?

So now it is time for a new challenge! This one is inspired by some recent self-discovery which I will get into in a bit.

From Today Sunday August 23rd until September 24th the challenge is to exercise for 30 min. every day. The intensity and what you do is dealers choice, and if you already work out daily, add an extra 30 min.

Many of you might be thinking that it is impossible/impractical for you to exercise EVERY day for 30 min, but I guarantee you it is not. Exercising is more than just hitting the gym or jogging for 5 miles! It can be playing with your kids, walking around the mall, building a life size replica of the Star Ship Enterprise (letter of your choosing) out of Popsicle sticks! Ok maybe not that last one, but you get the point. Though, when will you find the time? Do I really need to say it? Do I? As a character on the big bang theory might say “if you have time to lean, you have time to exercise!”, it’s about prioritizing our time. The other thing is, if you can’t do 30 min at once, can you do two 15 min or three 10 min? It’s ok to do it that way too! I know when I first started 30min wouldn’t have been do able, and if that’s the case, break it up to what ever amount you need to in order to get through the 30.

Here is my before picture(Taken after my first 30 min work out):

before1

before2

Take your own and if you want to share it feel free to post on my Facebook!

gw135

What brought this about? As I wrote before I was doing really well, empowered and on top of the world. I quickly found myself laying face first in the mud (cake?) and struggling again. Why did I do so well the previous weeks, and do so poorly now? There is ONE thing that stood out to me, and it’s something I have been dealing with along time. I am a computer gaming addict.

I have been getting on my computer the moment my kids are in bed, sometimes even before, and I won’t get up (outside needing to take a Bio break for bathroom/food/drink) till 12-1am. 7:00ish-1am I am on the computer. That is a part time job. If it’s the weekend and we aren’t busy, I’ll be on it all day as well. I can easily put in 40 hours a week of gaming, and when I am not gaming, all I think about is gaming. Building a new design in Space Engineers, or what quest should I run next in Guild War and so on. If left to my own devices I would, and have, game non-stop. It is effecting my health and my relationships, as I don’t want to do things with others when it might take up gaming time. I worry/freak out if I won’t be able to log on to get my “daily” reward on GW2. There is an upcoming trip to Raleigh NC for the National At-Home Dad Network annual convention, and I almost wasn’t going to go. Reason being? I won’t be able to log in for my daily reward. A trip I have been looking forward to since last year, missed, all over a stupid game. About a month or so ago, I felt the game was taking up to much of my time and I deleted it. I said goodbye to my guild mates, and in less than 24 hours I was back on again. It is addicting being someone else, in a world that you “control”.

What does this have to do with my challenge? For about 2 weeks I wasn’t playing my game very much, just logged on and got my daily, putzed around, and done. Not only did I feel focused, I felt happy and alive. I was wanting to do things, and be with people! I started playing again, and the more I played the more those happy thoughts disappeared. Spending time with my wife or working out on my bike seemed less enjoyable than slaying centaur or mining some ore on a distant asteroid. My hope is to try and find a balance between the different areas of my life. I made my personal goal to workout after the kids go down for the night and before I do any gaming. 30 min on my trainer and perhaps add in some running during the week when my oldest is in preschool.

I am focusing on my after picture, how amazing I will feel when I get to take it and say that I accomplished this small goal!

Big Boned Biker

PS
Sorry if this post seems scattered brained, I am starting to come down with a cold, but that won’t stop me 🙂

Oren Miller

Saturday, a fellow father and blogger, Oren Miller, passed away from cancer. I knew him as the admin and founder of a Dad Blogger group I am a part of. I never had much one on one talking with him, but still his death hurts. It really really hurts. It hurts more than I “think” it should, I feel like I don’t have the right to feel this way. I feel that I am being selfish in a sense, that this grief shouldn’t belong to me. Yet here I am, crying at my keyboard at 1am, wondering why?

I feel for his children, his wife, and his loved ones. I know exactly how it feels to loose people you love to illnesses that they didn’t deserve. Why can’t all the pedophiles, rapist, and murders get all the cancer? How come it is amazing people like those I have known? WHY?

Since reading this news my eating has gone downhill. Pizza, Chinese, and candy. I haven;t exercised and I feel like crap from doing all this. I need to put the brakes down today. This post is short and to the point, but it is important to me. While it may not “flow” nicely, I am getting these thoughts out,! Letting myself bring back some room for some positive thinking and acting. Everyday is a new day, and a fresh start can happen when ever you wish it.

 

Keep On Rolling,

Big Boned Biker

You can’t keep a good dog down…

Self-empowerment

 

Working out is hard to do, and for many of us it is hard to find time to do it. As some of you know I am a S@HD, and with only having one car that really seems to mean stay at home during these winter months. I started to think about it though, should I join a gym? Budget is tight and not sure I could justify it(since when spring comes I am hitting the road). I could buy some work out stuff equipment; though I already have my bicycle trainer which is fine but I want to do other things. I had to come up with something, so I came up with a blog post.

I bet you didn’t know this, and promise you won’t tell, but I have an indoor jogging track, weight lifting area, spa, and yoga studio in my house. I bet you do as well, but it might be hidden!

indoor jogging track, using my hall for jogging

Please ignore the mess! This is my jogging track, yoga studio, and weight lifting center! The spa is at the end of the hall filled with rubber duckies and Octonauts. 32 steps from the front door to the end of the hallways and back. I make a daily goal to get 15k steps in a day, even if it means just running back and forth through that hallway. Weight lifting? I have some kettle bells but if I didn’t gallon milk jugs filled with sand or water can work well. Bench pressing? Well I am sorta weak so my two kids work for that. Think it will just be boring, don’t you? It’s ok, I can under stand that.

exercise, workout, stick figure workouts

We make games of it through out the day, lets race to pick up toys! Who can jump over the most Lego blocks? I bet you can’t do 15 laps without stopping! Do you think daddy can lift you up 25 times? Sit on daddy’s leg and he will lift you up. Hop on daddy while he does pushups, STOP TICKLING ME! All great things, but if you don’t have kids? Make it fun still, fill a jar full of marbles and have an empty one at the other end. The idea is to see how long it takes you to empty/fill the opposite side! Now see if you can beat that time? Have a dog? Throw a toy, and race him! Or if you are more adventurous head outside, maybe try some snowshoeing or skiing? Really, I bet you if you take a minute to think about it, you can find something to do.

The other issue, is when? You know when, YOU KNOW WHEN. We all have that time, even just 10 minutes, when we could do something. Watch TV at night? See how many laps you can do between commercials? Football? When the other team scores how about some push ups(Don’t attempt if you’re a bears fan, don’t want you to get to exhausted)? Movie, every time someone says muggle during harry potter do 5 burpies! I would wager that someone is reading this saying “Big Boned Biker, I am exhausted when I come home, and just want to sit down to relax”! I will sound like a giant A-hole right now but, so? Do you want to loose weight? Sometimes we have to push ourselves more than we are comfortable with, because I know for me comfortable was eating everything in sight. Inspiration comes from outside, but motivation only comes from within. There is no one to far gone to make changes, but those changes aren’t always easy. I think here is where I make a plug about selling motivational 12 week course?

To end this, I don’t exercise, and I refuse to ever do it! I love doing activities though, even if it is just running up and down my hallway looking like a goofball! Find what works, and do it! The only real excuse to not find something, is that you are at your own funeral (well not true there are others but let’s not be super literal). I would love to hear about what types of things you are doing, so please comment!

 

Keep On Rolling,

Big Boned Biker

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Can you really ever change your eating habbits?

 

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Easter was tough this year, started out with a small gain on Saturday and just went down hill from there. First off, the candy this year was harder to turn down than in years passed. I know it is my weaken resolve but still I tracked for it. On the way to my sisters house we stopped at an “Oasis” and things went downhill fast. I tracked for a roast beef sub from subway but when I got there the food didn’t look like it should be eaten. No biggie I can make healthy choices anywhere! Sbarro was right next to me and I decided to look up a piece of pizza(proud of myself for doing that). It was 16 points for the pizza I wanted so I went and got a slice of the pie. It was yum yum yummy in my tum tum tummy!! Sadly though it was over to quick and left me still hungry. So I decided to go in search of food, and saw Auntie Ann’s pretzels. I walk on by it though determined to find something better, mmm Starbucks sounds good! Not worth the points! Finally, I end up deciding on some yummy popcorn for about 9pp. It really hit the spot, and with that we hit the road again!

So why is my day going downhill? Because what I didn’t tell you was that I ate Denny’s for breakfast, though I tried to make some good choices. I had 4 egg whites, 2 hearty pancakes, and a side of Grits. In all I used about 18 points. Did I mention that the popcorn I ate was 6cups? I wanted to leave that part out, but honestly who am I lying to? We arrive in time for dinner and it is spaghetti, which I had tracked for 2 cups worth. I quickly find myself enjoying a third cup’s worth, like I said not going well. This meal would end up being 26 points, because I also decided to have a Ice Cream milkshake and 2 peeps. So if you are keeping track 18+16+9+26=Totally not worth the points!

I am going to do something that I don’t think I have done before, I am going to show you my tracker. I never like to share my tracker with people because it is a very personal thing. It almost feels like walking out in public naked! Somethings are just suppose to be private. This time though, I am stepping out naked and sharing it. So here it is

Day before Easter
Day before Easter

shocking I know. To give you some perspective, when I first joined weigh watcher, at an official 432 pounds, I started with 71. However this is exactly why we have our weeklies points! Also, it is only one day, and simple enough to recover from!

Easter Sunday
Easter Sunday

As you can see, it didn’t go so well…so what is the silver lining in all this? I think some of you already know, it was only one weekend. I didn’t “fall off” the wagon, I simply hit a slight bump. I love the fact that my entire week isn’t shot, I get to continue on and make new choices with every meal. I didn’t get fat in one weekend, and I won’t get skinny in one either.

Moving on….

I mentioned above about things being point worthy and while it seems like a simple concept I do want to talk about it. What makes somethings point worthy and others not? Aren’t my points able to be used however I wish? Who was the second gunman on the grassy knoll? All fair questions, though I don’t have the answer to the third. What I am going to share can also be applied to those who aren’t on weight watchers, the principles remain the same.

The bible talks about standards such as this
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is fair, whatever is pure, whatever is acceptable, whatever is commendable, if there is anything of excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—keep thinking about these things.”

which got me thinking about my Point Standards. If I was to share my own this is how it would go:

“What ever things are filling, what ever things are healthy, what ever things are positive, what ever things can be controlled, and what ever things taste yummy”

If I have a loaf of bread for 4 points and Johnny takes to bites…never mind. If I have a loaf of bread for 4 points and doughnut for 4 points, which is the better option for a meal? I will give you a hint, it isn’t the doughnut. Now, that is not to say you can’t have donuts, but it is about what is going to be more filling. Filling is a very important part to living a healthy lifestyle, when you walk around hungry you make less positive choices. I know when I get to hungry I just want to bite the nearest person. When we pick foods for treats we should still think about this important factor. Am I going to be satisfied after one, or am I going to want N+1? I know for me, 90% of the time one doughnut is not enough, so it easier to just not have that one.

What things are healthy? Name 4 healthy foods, go! How did you do? What if I told you, I can take any healthy food you can name and make it unhealthy? I bet you believe me, because it is a very simple thing to do. We often don’t think about how things are made, we just see “broccoli is healthy”. Is it drenched in butter? Cream? Steamed? It is about looking below the surface at what is all involved. You don’t have to live on “health” food to eat healthy, it really comes down to paying attention to things like sodium, fats, and so on. In the end though don’t forget that the joy of healthy living is the flexibility to sometimes eat the unhealthy.

Positively positive! We all to often talk about food being bad or good choices (), but really we need to get out of that mindset. I will be the first to admit though that it is a hard thing to do! I try to look at food in a positive aspect, is this food going to make me “feel good” after I eat it? Will I wish I hadn’t? If I eat 2 brats loaded down with all the goodies, was it a positive or a negative choice? Chances are I am going to wish I only ate one of them, and am going to feel it later in a non-positive manner lol. When you make positive choices it invigorates you, and empowers you to make a positive choice the next time. Remember though, if you make a rather regrettable choice, it isn’t the end of the world, and you can make a positive choice as soon as the next bite.

Boom! The trigger just went off, and now you lay on the floor in a puddle of chocolate syrup. I have a list of foods that I simply can not eat, no mater how bad I want them. One single bite can make me spiral out of control. When looking at food the number one question you need to ask yourself is, can I stop at one? To often we lie to ourselves, sure I can stop at one, two, three, four, and soon the box is gone. We all know when we lie to ourselves, it isn’t an “accident”. When you lie to yourself nothing positive can come of it. Ask yourself, with all honesty, can you stop at one? Perhaps you can limit yourself by supply, only ordering one or two so that you can’t eat more(you can’t eat what you don’t have). One thing that has worked for me is finding alternatives to those trigger foods. I love love love love love love cold spaghetti’ O’s with meatballs. I will eat any can of it I can get hold of and still want more. So as an alternative, when I go to an Italian restaurant I often order spaghetti with meatballs. It is a controlled environment and this lets me indulge without worrying about stuffing my gob.

Trigger Foods
Trigger Foods

Last part is to make sure you enjoy the foods you are eating. Every bite should be yum! If it isn’t than why eat it? I hate spending my points on food that tasted like dog poop, and I don’t feel positive after those meals. So don’t force yourself to eat on “diet’ mode, it will only make you burn out. As I to often say, I am so glad I don’t diet! I am on a Livet, because we shouldn’t do things that make us die.

I hope you find this helpful, these steps have taken me(and still are) a long time to work on. I will never be free from my food addiction, ever. Every bite is a constant struggle, and sometimes I relapse, but using these tools helps make those relapses happen less and less. When we learn to eat to live and not live to eat, we all will be better off.

One last thing before I go, I got out last night to ride Katrina and it was such an amazing ride! Do to my wife’s new job, the weather, and sunset I have not been getting gout. So each ride I make sure to get the most out of it. The feeling of the centrifugal movements of the pedals under my feet, the wind blowing past my face, and the sheer simplicity of human powered movement, creates a feeling of nirvana.

Don’t forget to check out the Friends Of Katrina section above, and send me a picture of you with your bike! Also, feel free to check out my Amazon store, every purchase helps me save for my bike tour(and doesn’t cost you anything extra!) http://astore.amazon.com/bigbonbik-20

Keep on rolling,

Big Boned Biker

Self-Sabotage

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“Who is it? Who did this? When I find you I am going to…wait, it was YOU!” said the man at the computer desk. His face turning from a rage to a place of sullen disparity, at the sudden realization that he was the saboteur.

I looked at the scale this morning, and was not happy with what I saw. My first thought is, the scale is wrong and must be lying. The second one is, that it must be just salt, and the scale must be lying. The third thought, I know that I did this to myself. I sabotaged myself.

I am .6 away from having lost a milestone amount, and sometimes that scares me. I know that seems silly, but it does. The more I loose the more the higher the “Jenga” tower gets, it starts to feel like one small move will topple over the entire thing. When this happens instead of kicking into “fight” mode, my mind goes straight to “flight”. How do you fly away from a weight loss? Easy, you gain weight! It is never a lot, but when it happens it is often 1-2 pounds. I decided I am going to tackle it today, and figure out a game plan, or perhaps a security plan.

“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.” ~ Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

“I, Big Boned Biker, being of sound mind and flabby body, do hereby declare, that I will no longer be a slave to my body, and will no longer self-sabotage.” Done! Whew, I feel much better knowing that it will never happen again. Le sigh, I wish it was that easy.

Step one..just kidding, this wont be a “step” program today. I know the issue, I get nervous about succeeding and decide that I will run away from it, that much we have already talked about. First thing I need to do is figure out what it is about success that scares me.

Man that is a tough one, what is it that scares me about it? My first thought is it is the fear of letting people down, but that doesn’t seem to really cover it. Maybe it is the fear of no more challenges, but are there not always more challenges? So what is it?? I think it is a very complex and in depth thing, that likely I will never fully understand. If I can’t understand it can I conquer it? Challenge accepted!

Well, I know when dealing with these kind of issues that an anchor system (Anchors) can be very helpful. I need to be WILLING to use it, and that can be tough. No one likes to admit they are struggling, but if we don’t we can’t get any help. The man who never needs any help, is a man who is really good at lying, and I am a horrible liar. This post is the first use of that anchor system: I need help! I need to stop self-sabotaging, and I WILL stop it.

My game plan? Take it meal by meal! When I am done writing this, I will go and fill my water bottle, track my day out, and figure out some exercise to do. YAY I am cured! Woot! WOOT! * Happy Dance *..

Hmm, still not cured. Dang, why not? I guess there is more to it besides an anchor system. What though? I think the next part I need to work on, and something that is really hard for many people, is loving myself. I don’t always feel as if I am worthy of my weight loss, or that I even deserve to have lost the weight. How can I love a man who did this to himself? I am a worthless person, and worthless people don’t get to have success stories. I look in the mirror, the man staring back at me though isn’t me, it is a successful person. I hate trick mirrors like that, it must be broken. What is so bad about me that I am worthless? I am a good father, a devoted husband, an honest man, and a lover of humanity. Seems a pretty scum sort of person to me, right? I need to acknowledge those things, and remind myself of those facts. Is that vanity? I think it is a celebration of G/D’s good hand, and reminding myself that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. In fact, I will be right back(because you know, you can tell that I stepped away from writing this and all lol). Back, did you miss me? I just went and reminded myself of those very things, I also gave myself permission to be my own friend. I think I would enjoy hanging out with me, which is good because I tend to always be hanging around myself.

Sometimes, I think my self-sabotage(from now on referred to by SS), comes from a sense of perfectionism. If I can’t do it “right” I can’t do it at all. I am sure it stems from my OCD, but I like things to be “just right”. If I am not loosing at the rate I should be, maybe I shouldn’t be loosing at all. Mistakes are things that loser’s do, and loser’s are not winners! That is pretty rational thinking right? It seems like it sometimes, till you put it down in words, now it seems pretty silly.

Can I give myself permission to make mistakes? No, I can’t, well maybe, I guess, perhaps, yes I can. I already know that mistakes are simply lessons wrapped with reality. They are there to teach us what to do next time. Just because I make a mistake(such as over indulging), doesn’t mean the race is over. When I do those things, I simply “reset” my day as soon as the next bite. Example: Was over at my moms last night, and she makes these great “balls”, with peanut butter, rice crispy s, honey and chocolate. They are like manna from heaven. I ate two..ok all done, later I had another, ok all done. After dinner, my sweet tooth hit and I grabbed two more. I didn’t have the points for those two, but I wanted them anyway. I eat the first one, man was it good. I look at the second, I know I shouldn’t eat it, but I want to(part of it knowing that I am SS’ing). I go to eat it, but at the last moment I decide that it ISN’T worth it. I go and put it back. I restarted, I had picked myself off the floor and got back on the race track. It “tasted’ better than if I had actually eaten it.

Thinking about this more, I wonder if sometimes I SS out of a want for control. Weight loss can often leave your feeling like your out of control. You don’t KNOW how much weight your loosing, or if you even are. For someone like me, I don’t often like the feeling of “being out of the loop”. When I SS, I take back that control, it lets me decide what is going to happen! This can be a tough one to overcome, I mean after all, it is sort of hardwired in all of use to want that sort of control. I try not to bring religion to much in to this blog, but sometimes prayer is the answer. The simple act of praying is giving up control. We “ask” our “Deity” for requests, but we only have faith that it will be answered. It is the same principle of allowing yourself to succeed. You have to give up the control of knowing what will happen(by setting your self up to fail), and have faith for the right outcome. Perhaps, I simply need to pray more, not for help loosing weight, but for help giving up my control in life. I am reminded of a favorite Christian hymn, “He Leadeth Me!”.

For those that practice a different faith, or don’t practice any, I hope you can see the principle of what I am sharing.

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In conclusion, I need to learn: To allow myself to be helped, to forgive myself of my mistakes, to love myself for who I am, and to have faith that success can/will happen.

Keep on Rolling,
Big Boned Biker

Colds suck

So I am fighting a cold, bleh, I hate getting colds but with a kid in daycare it is inevitable. Had a tough week, just didn’t have much motivation to go work out, or make healthy choices. It was one of those times when I just felt like going back to the old me. Like the fight was not worth it, the goals to far away.

That being said I had a very slight gain, .6, which honestly I just count as a maintain. Other than the a fore mentioned cold, I am feeling better. I did something the otherday, which I have been putting off for a very long time. I removed my safety net! I got rid of pretty much all of my clothes 4xl and above. I gave them away to another guy who needed them. I must say it was bittersweet, knowing that I no longer needed them but someone else did.

The reason I have been keeping them is simple, it was a safety net. It meant that IF I failed at this I would still have clothes. It was almost like telling myself it was ok to fail. Now in a sense it is do or die(literally on that part I suppose). While it was scary to do, after the were gone it felt amazing. It was like someone lifted a burden off of my shoulders. I am free of the man I was, and free to move on with my life. I swear in front of you all on this very day, 10/31/13 at 11am, I will NEVER have to wear those sizes again.

Want to know a secret? I was never suppose to be the man I was, and I never was suppose to be where I was. I am enjoying this gift, the gift of being able to be alive, not dead in the ground. Alive here and now! To be able to play and guide my children as they grow up is an amazing thing indeed. To be the father and husband I was always suppose to be, and wanted to be.

I went through a very depressed state this past week, I questioned myself, my resolve, even why I am here. I questioned if it was worth the trouble, if it would even matter if I was gone. I started to write down how I felt, and the things I would miss if I wasn’t here tomorrow. I would miss so much, the day to day life of my family. I would miss watching my children grow up to strong and great men. I would miss so much of life it made me cry. I also realized that if I gave up on my journey, if I throw in the towel and ate till I burst, I would miss it all. The reality is sickening, it send shivers down my spine when I think about it. I was committing suicide by food, ending my life one bite at a time. When you realize that you can begin to realize that you have the power to change that. No one on this earth can change you, NO ONE. Change can only happen when we are sick of living the life we live, AND we want to fix it.

In closing, I want to reach out to anyone who reads this, remember to love yourself for who you are, but strive to change that which needs changing. Human beings are remarkable creatures, we can think and act, we can move mountains if we want to. We just have to try, and try again.

Happy Halloween and keep on rolling,

Big Boned Biker