After a restless night of sleep I woke up early at about 4:30 to begin my day. I loaded up my bike, while my oatmeal cooked in the microwave. I ate it nervously, and began to wake up the household. Today was the day. The day I had been both looking forward to and dreading since February, the Le Tour De Shore ride. A 100 mile 2 day ride from Chicago,IL to New Buffalo, Mi.
We arrived at the McDonald Cycling Center at about 6:30. I quickly unloaded my gear and saying goodbye to my family, I figured I would try and mingle. Accept for one little problem, I found myself full of anxiety. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone, because I had this irrational fear gripping hold of me. I did ask one lady for some help pinning on my riding number (number 31), but I soon found myself standing all alone again. However that same lady approached me about 5 min later and asked if I had anyone to ride with? I responded that I didn’t and she offered to let me ride with her group.
We ended up leaving a bit early as another rider offered to show us a better way to get to the Lake Shore trail head. He was a local and his route was very simple to follow, though I doubt I’ll remember it for next year. It was a pretty uneventful start, my nerves were still high as I was worried about completing the mileage for day one. We were keeping a decent pace through Chicago which was a nice difference from the last time I rode through it, Tri-State Ride. Everyone I was riding with was very friendly, which made the time go by very nicely. Everything was going smoothly, until we realized that we were missing someone. We waited for awhile, and one of the guys went back to look for him, but didn’t find him. After a bit we decided to keep going, as we thought he might have actually been ahead of us (he was a very strong rider). After a bit he came up from behind us, he had dropped his bike pump from his jersey pocket, it had wedged itself between the frame and the back wheel! I don’t know how but he didn’t fall and none of his spokes were broken. Luck was definitely on his side!
We were on our way again quickly and things again were moving at a decent pace. I could tell we were getting close to Hammond, IN where our first SAG stop would be. It was at this point we met a train, and not just any train, a REALLY SLOW train. It moved in front of the crossing about 300 feet and stopped. Ugh! We sat there for what seemed about 5 mins and it slowly, inch by inch started backing up. A bunch of us decided that when it was past the crossing we would cross. It was a single track and with the train moving so slowly it wouldn’t be any risk. A few people did yell at us from behind as we crossed but again, there was no danger. We quickly regained our speed and as we rode through a park area it started to turn, and turn, and turn us right back to that same train! Nooooooo! We were stuck at the middle of the train, the slowest moving train that has ever existed in all of human history! About 3 people decided to attempt for a Darwin award by going under the train. Now it was stopped at times, but it was still moving at others. While the 3rd person attempted a crossing the train started moving again, this time at a decent pace. Luckily they realized it in time and were able to get back. One guy had decided to go over the train and he almost lost his bike. It ended up being about a 15 min wait, and we all cheered when the train finally pulled away.
We finally reached the SAG point, and what awaited us was some gloriously yummy PANCAKES! We were all starving at this point, and we quickly found ourselves in line for the delicious food. We were lucky too, about another 10 mins and the line was wrapped around the corner. My oldest son had me bring along one of his transformers, and asked me to get some pictures of him on the ride. So here is Heatwave, in dinobot mode, enjoying some pancakes.
The next section of the ride is kind of a blur, I was keeping a good pace of around 13-14mph. I remembered some of the roads and trails thanks to riding the WHAM Rides WHAM 2014 Night Ride WHAM 2015 the last couple of years. I do remember riding down a “hill”, which was really an overpass on the road. I was ready to get some speed, I moved into my drops and head down low, only to find out the bottom of the “hill” was where we had to make a left turn! Yikes! By the way, my brakes DO work, and I really love the stopping power from my disc brakes. There was another hill, this time on the bike trail, and I the ride down it that time I was able to coast for a good ¼ mile or more and still was passing people. Big Boned Bikers do well downhill. By the time we reached the second SAG stop, our group had split up. One of the riders, the lady who had invited me to join them, had been getting cramps in her legs. We called them and told them we would wait for them at the SAG stop though, and after about 30 mins they caught up. Turned out the ended up in some construction and had to walk their bikes for awhile. While we had been waiting though An ambulance had shown up, and a helicopter started flying over head. All of a sudden the helicopter started getting lower, and lower, and lower. It landed in a field next to the park we were at! I wondered if it was a medical flight, but I noticed on the side it said “LAW ENFORCEMENT”. As it was landing a squad car pulled up quickly, lights on. I was thinking to myself “what the hell is going on!?!?!”. Out of nowhere a bunch of kids started running up to the helicopter though and I quickly figured out it was a “touch the truck” type of event.
At about 1pm we left the SAG stop and continued on, heading to the last SAG of the day in Chesteron, IN. The sags were all spaced about 20 miles apart, and about 10 miles in, we had all split up again. We stopped at an unofficial SAG stop. It just was a park with a restroom and some water. It was here that I ended up splitting up with the group. I didn’t want to be late getting to the campground, because dinner started at 3pm and only went to 6pm. What was interesting, and kind of weird, was that this section of the ride was right by my house (less than a mile). It is the trail I ride all the time! In fact, I almost turned to go home by mistake at one point. I was starting to feel a bit run down about this point, and ended up stopping to rest a couple of times. It wasn’t so much my legs that were feeling it, it was my “boodle” as my son likes to call it. I should have applied more cream( I use diaper cream to help protect and it works great), but for some reason I decided not to even though I stopped at a spot with a restroom. I kept on going though, one pedal at a time and found myself arriving in Chesterton! It was getting late at this point, almost 3pm but I had decided that I would stop at the bar next to the SAG and have my one beer. It was at this point one of the guys from the group I had been riding with pulled up! We decided to go grab a beer together. I had a Lagunita IPA, which on such a hot day was amazingly refreshing. We went outside and I quickly drank my beer. It was so damn good, I couldn’t make myself nurse it like I normally would.
After finishing my beer, and checking out Broomhead bars booth, who I must say have AMAZING bars! I couldn’t believe they were gluten free/healthy! I was headed out, and I must say this was the hardest part of the day. I was completely by myself, and I there were a few hills. I was tired, my butt hurt, and I just wanted to get to the campsite with out getting lost. I eventually ended up stopping to check my directions and someone else came along at that point. A lovely couple on a tandem bicycle, I offered to take their picture for them and they let me follow them to camp. Well I tried to follow them. I was just barely able to keep them insight. After what felt like forever, we finally pulled into the campground. It was a free for all setup and I found myself a nice quiet spot to setup my tent.
I had expected people to be already eating but the place was pretty empty. Turns out dinner didn’t start till 6pm and it was only a bit after 4. I was starving, and if I do this ride next year, I plan to pack a second bag of just food! The campground slowly began to fill up though and dinner was finally served. It was from this AMAZINGLY FANTASTIC SUPER DELICIOUS OUT OF THIS WORLD wood fired pizza place. This is coming from a guy who hates thin/crispy crusts. Here are some photos of dinner and the firetruck they cooked it out of.
Feeling a bit jelly aren’t you? You should be.
That night, I slept pretty well, despite the party that raged outside my tent for what felt like hours. I fell asleep quickly though and I remember waking up to complete silence at about 1am. I had decided to leave before the official start time the next day. There was a 5k race taking place along the route that I knew would end up slowing down the ride, and the weather was going to be warm out. I got up at about 6am and packed up as quietly as I could, and was on the rode by about 6:30. I did take a quick stop by lake Michigan to grab a photo of Tallulah.
Again, I found myself riding alone, and this time along a busy hwy near sunrise. This sent me into a small panic attack as one car decided to buzz right by me. An inch more over and he would have clipped my handlebars. As I rode along I shortly found myself riding along the lake, it was amazingly peaceful. I passed the location where the 5k was going to take place, no issues at all since I was so early. After going a ways though, I hadn’t seen any marks to turn, and I knew I had a turn somewhere near here. I stopped my bike along the narrow lane, and pulled over as far as I could. I dug into my yellow bucket and fished out my cue sheet. Damn it, I had missed my turn. I back tracked about a mile, back to where the 5k was going to take place. They had painted over the turn marking on the road! I made the turn this time and kept a sharper look out for my next turn. This time I missed it again, but only went about 100 yards before I realized it. Eventually though I was on course, riding through a swampy area and wondering to myself why I decided to pack the bug spray with my camping stuff. After what seemed like an eternity though I finally got to Michigan City, where my first sag stop of the day was taking place. As I pulled into town I meet up with some other riders, who invited me to join them. They were planning on riding at a slow pace, so I figured it would be a great group to ride with. I was surprised to find out that the reason they were on the road so early was because their hotel had a fire the night before. They had been up since 2am and had spent most of the early morning drinking coffee at a nearby panera.
Here is a photo of the group, they were all from Indianapolis.
Despite my best efforts, I was quickly dropped. In all fairness, they did offer to slow down, but I knew that this was going to be a tough day for me. The night before all I was hearing about was how hilly this part of the ride was going to be, and it didn’t disappoint. This was the worst part of the ride. 20 miles of hot and hilly riding. At one point it got so bad I did the unthinkable, and something I really hate to admit. I called my wife. I told her I was done. I couldn’t go on any more and that I was exhausted. That’s right, I quit and gave up. Only, she wasn’t able to come get me for at least an hour or more. I decided that instead of sitting in the middle of nowhere I would keep on riding. I’m proud of myself because instead of completely giving up and throwing in the towel, I decided to keep pushing on. Turns out I was over half way to the sag stop! I ended up making it to the SAG, after having to stop a few more times to rest, and nearly going through 4 bottles of water. I was sweaty, thirsty, tired and beat up. It was still another 10-15 miles till the end of the day. Why 10-15? Because the mileage had seemed to be off on the cue sheets. I really didn’t know if I had it in me. But thanks to some encouragement from a stranger, who told me that if you do 90miles you do 100, I kept on riding. Luckily this was a much flatter portion of riding, and I was told it was just meandering through town. They lied. While it was less hilly, it was still hilly, and it wasn’t a simple ride through town, it was a ride through the country side, which meant less shade. However, after stopping one more time, I finally found a pace I could keep up with. My “boodle” was on fire, because I had developed 2 bad saddle sores, but I just kept pedaling. After what felt like 10 hours, but really was only about and 1.5 hours I rolled into the end of the ride! I couldn’t believe it, I made it!! Big Boned Biker completed his first Le Tour De Shore.
So the big question is, would I do this ride again? I honestly don’t know. If I do it again, I need to drag someone along with me, because the times that were hardest were when I was having to ride alone.
Would I recommend it? Absolutely!
Keep On Rolling,
Big Boned Biker
As I looked through my bag I made out a mental checklist
HRM Strap Check
I grabbed the bag and headed to drop my oldest off at school, but today was going to be different! Today I was meeting with a trainer. I arrived about 15 min early and brought my youngest into the daycare and went to change. The locker room is always a scary place for me, I hate the idea of changing in front of a bunch of other people. Even more so when I am the very fat guy and they are all body builders! I wear my workout shorts under my pants and find a corner to myself as best I can. Still, I feel like an outcast and like everyone is wondering what this guy is doing in their gym.
As I head out I ran into Jon, my trainer ,and we begin what would I was sure would be an hour of pure uncomfortableness. You see, I was very excited up until this moment, which changed when the realization of what I was doing hit me. I was about to deal with a person one on one who trains body builders and athletes. I get out of breath tying my shoes some days! He began with getting some basic background and I explained how I had lost heading towards 200# but had gained #100 back. His response is what made me realize that this wouldn’t be all bad. “but you didn’t gain it all back!”. I knew that I could work with him now, he wasn’t just going to judge me and blow me off.
I figured he would just run me through the machines real quick, right a few things down and then spend 30 min on a sales pitch on why I should hire him. Instead, he showed me the machines but the first things we used were free weights. This scared me! On a machine I could sorta hide how little I was lifting but with barbells and dumbbells etc, everyone could see how weak I really am. We started out with bench pressing, moved to dumbbells, and finally did head to a few machines. The only downside was that we only covered the upper body and didn’t have enough time to really show me a lower body workout. Oh well, I figured I could wing it.
After the workout we talked for a bit more, he explained how he likes people to track their food. I laughed a little and told him I track every bite, every meal, every day. He seemed excited about that, and we talked a bit more about how he would help me achieve my goals etc. Overall it was a great experience, and much better than I had expected. One big thing he told me though, and one that is I guess a common mistake, I have been doing to much cardio. If you do all your cardio now, then when you get to a point you stop loosing, you don’t have it to fall back on. Your body gets use to doing it and it becomes easier for it to do it (in other words burns less calories). Better is to work on strength a do cardio in short amounts on your non lifting days. It seemed so backwards from what I had always been told, that I actually checked with a few other people first and turns out he was correct. I am looking forward to signing up with him and hoping that this will give me the knowledge I have been lacking for strength training.
Fast forward to the last few workouts, I do my warm up, 15-30min cardio, and then I look at the weight lifting area with fear. I am still to scared to use the machines or free weights(right term?), because everyone will laugh at me. In fact, the will point and laugh, horns will grow out of their heads, and the entire world will turn into a grainy black and white! Look at this guy struggle to lift 15 pound weights! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! So the first time I walked right by it and went to the locker room to leave. As I reached my locker I realized that I can’t let this fear rule me. I need to go out and do what I need to do! I go and start my workout, minus the bench presses(because they were being used). Turns out, no body laughed, no one had horns growing from their heads, and the world still stayed in color. I pushed past the fear and anxiety, feeling all the stronger for just doing that! I didn’t let other people become my excuse. The most important thing we bring with us to the gym is the willingness to push past our excuses!
Keep On Rolling,
Big Boned Biker
Burn baby burn….had a great workout tonight, though I wish I knew how far/fast I was going. I have a bike computer on my bike but it runs off the front wheel sadly. Today was pretty good, went and visited a friends church, lazed around the house, just a nice chill-axing Sunday. We had dinner planned out, baked bbq pork chops, mashed potatoes, fresh broccoli(for steaming). When I went to cook it though is when it all flew down hill. The pork chops were thicker than I had thought they were, so they did cook right. This lead us to order out for dinner…and the tracker will tell the rest of the story.
I wasn’t going to post this, I realized how easy it would be for me to fake it, none of you would ever know! I honestly feel ashamed to post this, which despite how it may seem, isn’t want this is about. I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for change in myself. Right now, this moment, will stay etched in my mind. I don’t like this feeling, the food wasn’t that good, it wasn’t amazing, it is NOT worth feeling this shame, regret, and tummy ache(can you tell I have kids?).
“Before we go any further, how much do you weight?”
“Sorry you have to be 249.9 or less, that limit is to the gram!”
It was a very embarrassing moment in my life, this is the conversation that took place today at the Chicago Science and Industry museum, for their flight simulator. I have always wanted to try one of these things, but never even attempted due to my weight. When I saw that the offered it my hear skipped a beat, I HAD to try it out! It would be a great thing to remind me of this weight loss journey! I convinced my brother in law to try it with me, and as I walked up to the counter I was very excited. As shared above though, those thoughts were dashed upon the runways of my dreams.
It took everything I had in me to walk away with my chin held high, and to not rip that guy a new one! I wasn’t going to give the guy the pleasure(which I doubt he took, but in my mind at the time it felt different) of seeing me sulk away. I didn’t really argue, I said ok, and walked away. I saw my wife, sister in law, and the boys sitting near by and she noticed right away that something was wrong. I didn’t want to really talk about it, well I DID want to talk about it, but I couldn’t really do it yet.
I did talk about it with her, but it didn’t really help. I feel like crap even right now, it makes me feel like a failure. I even feel like I let my kids down, that they are stuck with an incompetent failure for a father. It makes me wonder why I bother in the first place, if this is what happen still, I may as well put all that weight right back on! I am a worthless, fat, incompetent failure of a father, and how could I feel any other way? Thankfully I have learned one thing over the years, feelings aren’t always rational. That is why we don’t call the factings, they are our inner most thoughts wrapped up in bacon and served with a side of eggs. OK, maybe not eggs, but I am sure feelings are wrapped in bacon, why else would we swallow all the lies our feelings tell us?
The feelings I have of incompetency are really my feelings of self-doubt, my feelings of failure are really my fear of trying, my feelings of self-loathing are really a projection of the teasing that happened to me as a child. When you get down to it, my feelings had nothing to do with happened, they are irrational for the most part and were simply triggered by the event. Yes it angered me, but why? Anger is really a secondary emotion, it comes from sadness and fear typically. You can often tell which emotion it really is by taking note of the emotion you feel before you feel angry! This time it was sadness, I really wanted to do this ride and I was told I couldn’t do it. All the rest of the feelings I had point back to my sadness.
Ok, I am sad, now what? Now I apply my “winning steps” to the issue!
1. Is my sadness justified?
2.Is it fixable/changeable
3.What do I need to do to change or fix it?
Pretty simple steps, and I invite you to come along with me as I work them. We established that my emotions were justified, sadness is a reasonable feeling to after a rejection. I can change it and make it not happen again! In order to change it, I need to work the program and need to loose some more weight. I tracked everything today as always, got in some great walking, and am still feeling motivated! I look forward to walking up there soon and saying 249.8! I am not a failure, or an incompetent father, I am a strong capable man, who has struggled with an addiction and is making great changes in his life.
Keep On Rolling,
Big Boned Biker
Easter was tough this year, started out with a small gain on Saturday and just went down hill from there. First off, the candy this year was harder to turn down than in years passed. I know it is my weaken resolve but still I tracked for it. On the way to my sisters house we stopped at an “Oasis” and things went downhill fast. I tracked for a roast beef sub from subway but when I got there the food didn’t look like it should be eaten. No biggie I can make healthy choices anywhere! Sbarro was right next to me and I decided to look up a piece of pizza(proud of myself for doing that). It was 16 points for the pizza I wanted so I went and got a slice of the pie. It was yum yum yummy in my tum tum tummy!! Sadly though it was over to quick and left me still hungry. So I decided to go in search of food, and saw Auntie Ann’s pretzels. I walk on by it though determined to find something better, mmm Starbucks sounds good! Not worth the points! Finally, I end up deciding on some yummy popcorn for about 9pp. It really hit the spot, and with that we hit the road again!
So why is my day going downhill? Because what I didn’t tell you was that I ate Denny’s for breakfast, though I tried to make some good choices. I had 4 egg whites, 2 hearty pancakes, and a side of Grits. In all I used about 18 points. Did I mention that the popcorn I ate was 6cups? I wanted to leave that part out, but honestly who am I lying to? We arrive in time for dinner and it is spaghetti, which I had tracked for 2 cups worth. I quickly find myself enjoying a third cup’s worth, like I said not going well. This meal would end up being 26 points, because I also decided to have a Ice Cream milkshake and 2 peeps. So if you are keeping track 18+16+9+26=Totally not worth the points!
I am going to do something that I don’t think I have done before, I am going to show you my tracker. I never like to share my tracker with people because it is a very personal thing. It almost feels like walking out in public naked! Somethings are just suppose to be private. This time though, I am stepping out naked and sharing it. So here it is
shocking I know. To give you some perspective, when I first joined weigh watcher, at an official 432 pounds, I started with 71. However this is exactly why we have our weeklies points! Also, it is only one day, and simple enough to recover from!
As you can see, it didn’t go so well…so what is the silver lining in all this? I think some of you already know, it was only one weekend. I didn’t “fall off” the wagon, I simply hit a slight bump. I love the fact that my entire week isn’t shot, I get to continue on and make new choices with every meal. I didn’t get fat in one weekend, and I won’t get skinny in one either.
I mentioned above about things being point worthy and while it seems like a simple concept I do want to talk about it. What makes somethings point worthy and others not? Aren’t my points able to be used however I wish? Who was the second gunman on the grassy knoll? All fair questions, though I don’t have the answer to the third. What I am going to share can also be applied to those who aren’t on weight watchers, the principles remain the same.
The bible talks about standards such as this
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is fair, whatever is pure, whatever is acceptable, whatever is commendable, if there is anything of excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy—keep thinking about these things.”
which got me thinking about my Point Standards. If I was to share my own this is how it would go:
“What ever things are filling, what ever things are healthy, what ever things are positive, what ever things can be controlled, and what ever things taste yummy”
If I have a loaf of bread for 4 points and Johnny takes to bites…never mind. If I have a loaf of bread for 4 points and doughnut for 4 points, which is the better option for a meal? I will give you a hint, it isn’t the doughnut. Now, that is not to say you can’t have donuts, but it is about what is going to be more filling. Filling is a very important part to living a healthy lifestyle, when you walk around hungry you make less positive choices. I know when I get to hungry I just want to bite the nearest person. When we pick foods for treats we should still think about this important factor. Am I going to be satisfied after one, or am I going to want N+1? I know for me, 90% of the time one doughnut is not enough, so it easier to just not have that one.
What things are healthy? Name 4 healthy foods, go! How did you do? What if I told you, I can take any healthy food you can name and make it unhealthy? I bet you believe me, because it is a very simple thing to do. We often don’t think about how things are made, we just see “broccoli is healthy”. Is it drenched in butter? Cream? Steamed? It is about looking below the surface at what is all involved. You don’t have to live on “health” food to eat healthy, it really comes down to paying attention to things like sodium, fats, and so on. In the end though don’t forget that the joy of healthy living is the flexibility to sometimes eat the unhealthy.
Positively positive! We all to often talk about food being bad or good choices (), but really we need to get out of that mindset. I will be the first to admit though that it is a hard thing to do! I try to look at food in a positive aspect, is this food going to make me “feel good” after I eat it? Will I wish I hadn’t? If I eat 2 brats loaded down with all the goodies, was it a positive or a negative choice? Chances are I am going to wish I only ate one of them, and am going to feel it later in a non-positive manner lol. When you make positive choices it invigorates you, and empowers you to make a positive choice the next time. Remember though, if you make a rather regrettable choice, it isn’t the end of the world, and you can make a positive choice as soon as the next bite.
Boom! The trigger just went off, and now you lay on the floor in a puddle of chocolate syrup. I have a list of foods that I simply can not eat, no mater how bad I want them. One single bite can make me spiral out of control. When looking at food the number one question you need to ask yourself is, can I stop at one? To often we lie to ourselves, sure I can stop at one, two, three, four, and soon the box is gone. We all know when we lie to ourselves, it isn’t an “accident”. When you lie to yourself nothing positive can come of it. Ask yourself, with all honesty, can you stop at one? Perhaps you can limit yourself by supply, only ordering one or two so that you can’t eat more(you can’t eat what you don’t have). One thing that has worked for me is finding alternatives to those trigger foods. I love love love love love love cold spaghetti’ O’s with meatballs. I will eat any can of it I can get hold of and still want more. So as an alternative, when I go to an Italian restaurant I often order spaghetti with meatballs. It is a controlled environment and this lets me indulge without worrying about stuffing my gob.
Last part is to make sure you enjoy the foods you are eating. Every bite should be yum! If it isn’t than why eat it? I hate spending my points on food that tasted like dog poop, and I don’t feel positive after those meals. So don’t force yourself to eat on “diet’ mode, it will only make you burn out. As I to often say, I am so glad I don’t diet! I am on a Livet, because we shouldn’t do things that make us die.
I hope you find this helpful, these steps have taken me(and still are) a long time to work on. I will never be free from my food addiction, ever. Every bite is a constant struggle, and sometimes I relapse, but using these tools helps make those relapses happen less and less. When we learn to eat to live and not live to eat, we all will be better off.
One last thing before I go, I got out last night to ride Katrina and it was such an amazing ride! Do to my wife’s new job, the weather, and sunset I have not been getting gout. So each ride I make sure to get the most out of it. The feeling of the centrifugal movements of the pedals under my feet, the wind blowing past my face, and the sheer simplicity of human powered movement, creates a feeling of nirvana.
Don’t forget to check out the Friends Of Katrina section above, and send me a picture of you with your bike! Also, feel free to check out my Amazon store, every purchase helps me save for my bike tour(and doesn’t cost you anything extra!) http://astore.amazon.com/bigbonbik-20
Keep on rolling,
Big Boned Biker
“Who is it? Who did this? When I find you I am going to…wait, it was YOU!” said the man at the computer desk. His face turning from a rage to a place of sullen disparity, at the sudden realization that he was the saboteur.
I looked at the scale this morning, and was not happy with what I saw. My first thought is, the scale is wrong and must be lying. The second one is, that it must be just salt, and the scale must be lying. The third thought, I know that I did this to myself. I sabotaged myself.
I am .6 away from having lost a milestone amount, and sometimes that scares me. I know that seems silly, but it does. The more I loose the more the higher the “Jenga” tower gets, it starts to feel like one small move will topple over the entire thing. When this happens instead of kicking into “fight” mode, my mind goes straight to “flight”. How do you fly away from a weight loss? Easy, you gain weight! It is never a lot, but when it happens it is often 1-2 pounds. I decided I am going to tackle it today, and figure out a game plan, or perhaps a security plan.
“Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn’t happen.” ~ Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby
“I, Big Boned Biker, being of sound mind and flabby body, do hereby declare, that I will no longer be a slave to my body, and will no longer self-sabotage.” Done! Whew, I feel much better knowing that it will never happen again. Le sigh, I wish it was that easy.
Step one..just kidding, this wont be a “step” program today. I know the issue, I get nervous about succeeding and decide that I will run away from it, that much we have already talked about. First thing I need to do is figure out what it is about success that scares me.
Man that is a tough one, what is it that scares me about it? My first thought is it is the fear of letting people down, but that doesn’t seem to really cover it. Maybe it is the fear of no more challenges, but are there not always more challenges? So what is it?? I think it is a very complex and in depth thing, that likely I will never fully understand. If I can’t understand it can I conquer it? Challenge accepted!
Well, I know when dealing with these kind of issues that an anchor system (Anchors) can be very helpful. I need to be WILLING to use it, and that can be tough. No one likes to admit they are struggling, but if we don’t we can’t get any help. The man who never needs any help, is a man who is really good at lying, and I am a horrible liar. This post is the first use of that anchor system: I need help! I need to stop self-sabotaging, and I WILL stop it.
My game plan? Take it meal by meal! When I am done writing this, I will go and fill my water bottle, track my day out, and figure out some exercise to do. YAY I am cured! Woot! WOOT! * Happy Dance *..
Hmm, still not cured. Dang, why not? I guess there is more to it besides an anchor system. What though? I think the next part I need to work on, and something that is really hard for many people, is loving myself. I don’t always feel as if I am worthy of my weight loss, or that I even deserve to have lost the weight. How can I love a man who did this to himself? I am a worthless person, and worthless people don’t get to have success stories. I look in the mirror, the man staring back at me though isn’t me, it is a successful person. I hate trick mirrors like that, it must be broken. What is so bad about me that I am worthless? I am a good father, a devoted husband, an honest man, and a lover of humanity. Seems a pretty scum sort of person to me, right? I need to acknowledge those things, and remind myself of those facts. Is that vanity? I think it is a celebration of G/D’s good hand, and reminding myself that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. In fact, I will be right back(because you know, you can tell that I stepped away from writing this and all lol). Back, did you miss me? I just went and reminded myself of those very things, I also gave myself permission to be my own friend. I think I would enjoy hanging out with me, which is good because I tend to always be hanging around myself.
Sometimes, I think my self-sabotage(from now on referred to by SS), comes from a sense of perfectionism. If I can’t do it “right” I can’t do it at all. I am sure it stems from my OCD, but I like things to be “just right”. If I am not loosing at the rate I should be, maybe I shouldn’t be loosing at all. Mistakes are things that loser’s do, and loser’s are not winners! That is pretty rational thinking right? It seems like it sometimes, till you put it down in words, now it seems pretty silly.
Can I give myself permission to make mistakes? No, I can’t, well maybe, I guess, perhaps, yes I can. I already know that mistakes are simply lessons wrapped with reality. They are there to teach us what to do next time. Just because I make a mistake(such as over indulging), doesn’t mean the race is over. When I do those things, I simply “reset” my day as soon as the next bite. Example: Was over at my moms last night, and she makes these great “balls”, with peanut butter, rice crispy s, honey and chocolate. They are like manna from heaven. I ate two..ok all done, later I had another, ok all done. After dinner, my sweet tooth hit and I grabbed two more. I didn’t have the points for those two, but I wanted them anyway. I eat the first one, man was it good. I look at the second, I know I shouldn’t eat it, but I want to(part of it knowing that I am SS’ing). I go to eat it, but at the last moment I decide that it ISN’T worth it. I go and put it back. I restarted, I had picked myself off the floor and got back on the race track. It “tasted’ better than if I had actually eaten it.
Thinking about this more, I wonder if sometimes I SS out of a want for control. Weight loss can often leave your feeling like your out of control. You don’t KNOW how much weight your loosing, or if you even are. For someone like me, I don’t often like the feeling of “being out of the loop”. When I SS, I take back that control, it lets me decide what is going to happen! This can be a tough one to overcome, I mean after all, it is sort of hardwired in all of use to want that sort of control. I try not to bring religion to much in to this blog, but sometimes prayer is the answer. The simple act of praying is giving up control. We “ask” our “Deity” for requests, but we only have faith that it will be answered. It is the same principle of allowing yourself to succeed. You have to give up the control of knowing what will happen(by setting your self up to fail), and have faith for the right outcome. Perhaps, I simply need to pray more, not for help loosing weight, but for help giving up my control in life. I am reminded of a favorite Christian hymn, “He Leadeth Me!”.
For those that practice a different faith, or don’t practice any, I hope you can see the principle of what I am sharing.
In conclusion, I need to learn: To allow myself to be helped, to forgive myself of my mistakes, to love myself for who I am, and to have faith that success can/will happen.
Keep on Rolling,
Big Boned Biker
So I know I have not posted much lately but been busy yo! I have been trying my best to use Katrina as much as I can lately, even ran some errands the other day! Yesterday I was suppose to go riding with my brother who is in town visiting but it didn’t work out. Instead, I decided I would go on my own ride out to the M again. Remember back a few posts ago when I talked about “fuel” for your bike? I decided I would bring a picnic lunch this time, and had about a half full water bottle. BIG MISTAKE! Water ran out(was rather hot out), and do to the fact I had a light breakfast, I almost passed out. I hit the bottom of a hill, and I lost ALL energy. The bad thing about that happening at the bottom of the hills around here was that it was uphill any way I went. So I pushed on, and some how I made it to the M(had about 3 BBBEH’s to deal with). My entire body was shaking, and I could hardly walk to the picnic bench to sit down. I took out the “lunch” I brought and realized 1 uncrustable and a fiber one bar maybe wasn’t the best choice. I drank my water but it ran out to quickly with no where around to fill it up. I truly debated about having someone come pick me up, but instead I wait about a half hour, at which time I felt more prepared for the ride home. The ONLY thing that save me was the fact that it was more downhill on the way home. When I got home, I was so exhausted that I even had to take about a 45 min nap.
This morning, the weather is great and lil BBB had to go to “school”. After yesterday’s ordeal I decided that maybe I would just drive him, but I changed my mind so we road to school. I am learning some valuable lessons on what my body really needs, and doesn’t need. I have almost completely quit drinking soda(impart due to the fact my wife can’t drink any now). I must say, it is very refreshing feeling as well, my body feels “healthier” even.
Well, I am off to go work on Katrina for a bit, the chain came off and feels weird this morning.